Fiction,  Humor

Two Nasty Habits Everyone Has That Sabotage All Your Dates

There are so many singles in the dating world. Not only are there numerous singles, but there are also singles who have been single for years. Years and years. Many years. So. Many. Years. These aren’t single people who choose to be single, or who shy away from social situations and dating. These are people who are actually trying to meet someone. They’ve been meeting people in person, going to bars, getting set up by friends, meeting people online and getting dates and still after years of trying, they are still single.

You may even be one of these people. And for a long time, I was too. Until I realized the TWO HORRIBLE THINGS I did on every single date without fail that led to a disappointing evening, lackluster chemistry, complete letdown and ultimately, most of the time a dark feeling of failure when my friends texted me the next day to see how things went and all I could say was, “meh.”

After it dawned on me that I was doing these two things routinely, and that these two habits specifically were directly tied to my dating disappointments, I was so relieved. The answer was right in front of me! All I had to do was stop doing these two things!

To make sure I was really onto something and not just drunk or high, I decided to conduct an official study with representatives of each side of the dating pool. So I invited my guy friend, Scott to represent men. To protect his privacy, we will just refer to him as Scott. I volunteered myself to represent women. We met at a local bar, ordered some beer and started to officially, shoot the shit. I told him my theory.


The first thing is something almost everyone does on dates. It is very rare to meet someone who doesn’t, but it does happen. And without fail, this habit leads to a lot of dating disasters. This first habit is talking.

Some people start talking right away. Some leave a little room for some awkward silence while menu reading at the beginning, but before long you are going to open your trap and start talking and this is when it goes down hill. You are going to say something wrong. You know it. And when you say the wrong thing, your date will either freeze and try to teleport away from your date or they will visibly cringe. You know the look.

Even if you say the right thing, it will be at the wrong moment, or with the wrong tone or your date will just take it all wrong and you know that you have already started down the steep slide into humiliation.

That’s why we are just cutting this bad habit right at the source. If you want to avoid triggering the freak or flight response in your date, just keep your trap shut, okay? Stop talking. You are your own worst enemy.

Showing Up

The next thing is going to blow your mind because while you may have thought to yourself before, “Holy canoli, I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth.” You probably never thought of this next compulsive problem you have in dating.

It sounds overly simple but you see, after about nine beers and four bathroom trips between us at the local dive on our night of rigorous scientific research, Scott and I decided to dig deeper and get to the real source of the struggle. We deduced that in 100% of our dates over the past [redacted to protect our ages] years of combined dating between us if we had stopped ourselves from showing up to the date in the first place we would have protected ourselves from a number of really terrible situations. Not only would we have avoided the mind numbing rejection and hours upon hours of forced conversation, we also would have avoided some of the other horrors of dating like: thousands of dollars spent on meals and activities (Scott), Godawful sexual encounters with no climax (me), unreported levels of liver damage, irreversible self-esteem issues, hours of counseling, the devastating rebound phase followed by another rebound phase followed by the same until you begin to feel like your love life is a pinball machine where you are just reacting to coping with one devastating disappointment after the other. You get the idea.

Since discovering the TRUTH ABOUT YOUR DATING DISAPPOINTMENT THAT NO ONE TELLS YOU, Scott and I have decided to dedicate our lives to warning people about the dangers of dating and how their disappointments can be turned around if you stop talking and stop showing up for dates.

I bet you are surprised by how simple it is. We were too. Sometimes the truth is right under your nose all along and you just never see it. To solve all your dating woes, just stop talking, or better yet, stop showing up completely.

You’re welcome.

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