There are many ways men and women are different. The voice is an obvious example. Men have deep low voices and women have higher, more airy voices. But our voices are actually different in several other, more subtle ways and once you are aware of them, you can learn to use your voice to tap into your femininity, reach his masculine needs and also gut check yourself on some of your worst habits.
Women and men use their voices differently. Men basically have two voices: inside voice and outside voice. You could also add their ridiculous falsetto voice they use when roasting each other, but for the most part, they speak directly and then sometimes they do the same thing ten times louder.
Women have many voices. We have as many voices as we have social masks that we wear. Our voice is part of our performance of daily life. These performances can help us manage our interactions smoothly but they can also pull us away from our genuine selves. It’s the way our voices contribute to us being “fake” and inauthentic as well as the potential for our voices to be persuasive and give comfort that I want you to think about today.
To illustrate our different voices, all you need to do is observe a woman having a conversation with a good friend and then answering her phone in the middle of it. She will go from her authentic, strong, clear voice to an falsetto, pleasant, oh so sweet voice. “Hello?” I know you can hear it in your mind. Most men don’t have a “phone voice” that switches on immediately. Nor do they have a “drive through voice,” a friend voice, a baby voice, a parent voice, a work voice, a stranger we don’t like voice, etc. We use our voices to create distance, create intimacy, to shoe politeness, to be rude. We can achieve all these things with our voice while saying the same words.
Women are far more expressive with the tone, timber and delivery of our words through our voice than men are. I don’t see anything wrong with this. Our voices can be magical. We can sooth crying babies. We can get things done with minimal conflict, we can brighten someone’s day with a hello. I learned the incredible power my voice has with men a few years ago when I was in a very intense relationship with someone I loved deeply but the relationship had no future. There were obstacles of location (him moving, me being unable to), life choices (him wanting more children and me being finished with that chapter) and some other things that we couldn’t overcome despite our strong desire to be together. I am giving these details to illustrate our intense bond and the equally intense pressures we felt pulling us apart. I can’t remember the details of our specific argument but I remember it being very tense and he was very upset and we didn’t speak for a few days. When he finally called he wanted to be angry and distant. With every part of his being, I could tell he was trying very hard to be “indifferent,” “distant” and “cold.” Maybe he was expecting a fight when he called.
And then I spoke. I didn’t use my “whatever” voice or my “bitch” voice or my baby voice or my phone voice, I used my love voice. I used the voice that was speaking to his heart because I wasn’t listening to his words, I was listening to his heart. I could hear and feel him calming down listening to my voice. I was able to completely change a tense, hurt conversation into one where we were able to communicate and be open and find solutions and be honest simply because my voice was giving him comfort and a sense of peace.
We can also do the opposite. Have you ever been holding a grudge all day and your man comes home, oblivious to your frustration and with the first word out of your mouth his demeanor changes? You’ve ruined his day. You used your “stranger” voice with a lover. It doesn’t matter what words you used, you communicated more than enough with your tone.
I hear women emulating men with their voices. Listen to Rachel Maddow’s voice. She is always speaking in her deepest, alto tones, even sinking into baritone when she is at the heart of her argument. She is direct, her tone is modulated and she sounds masculine. We can hear traces of a higher pitch in her voice, she is capable of speaking more from her head than her throat and chest but she chooses not to because she has rejected her feminine voice. You only need to listen to a minute of it, at any point in the show, to hear how she uses her voice in a masculine fashion. You don’t need to listen to more than a minute to recognize the difference.
Many of us do this at work where we believe our masculine traits will get us farther, will garner us more respect.
But listen again to Kaouthar Darmoini’s voice in the video I posted in Your Feminine Body on Day One of “Spring to Femininity Series.” She uses a great deal of variation in her voice. She starts her speech using her comfort and intimacy voice. Listen from her first word at 0:17 to minute 4. She is quieter, which forces the audience to listen more actively. She has a hint of a whisper as if she is sharing something private and intimate. She is being both personal and polite in her subject matter and in her delivery. The polite part of her voice is her “phone and drive through voice.” The hushed whisper tone is personal, calming.
She is building intimacy and comfort in the audience so that they will be at ease and be more willing to do the things she asks. She does this because she will need the audience’s active participation for her speech to be successful in getting her point across and she knows she will be asking the audience to do things that make them feel uncomfortable.
At minute four, she is getting into the argument of her lecture. She is starting to raise the issues that her speech will address. The conflict she wants the audience to consider between how our femininity is dismissed and denied by women and the pressures women feel to adopt more masculine behaviors is the focus. She has your attention.
While her voice gets stronger, she does not use a masculine voice. She uses a great deal of variation in her voice to help communicate her thoughts. She is incredibly feminine but also engaging, persuasive and informative. She does not have to use masculine voice tools to get her point across. In fact, I would suggest that the even, masculine tone Rachel Maddow uses comes across as too forceful as if she is overcompensating for a lack of convincing facts by using an intimidating, intense tone.
Now, as a bonus I am going to show you an example of where Kaouthar Darmoini uses her feminine charm to get compliance from her audience. Yes, your feminine charm is a golden key to unlock compliance, action, participation and agreement in others, men and women alike. You voice is a crucial component of charm. There is nothing wrong with being charming! It is a tool in your persuasion toolkit. And it is far more pleasant and enjoyable a persuasion tactic than others that you have available to you, like intimidation, pushiness, force or even listing pages upon pages of facts. Charm is where you get someone to comply without needing to defend and explain everything first. What do men have that is equivalent in power and simplicity to your charm? Men have their honor. An honorable man will be taken at his word and given a chance. It is the same with a charming woman. If a man is shown to be a liar and deceptive he will lose his honor. If a woman uses her charm to deceive she will be seen as a manipulative witch.
Now, go to 8:21 and listen and watch as she uses her voice, her facial expressions and her body language to charm the audience into getting out of their seats to participate in the exercises. There is no protest aside from the uncomfortable laughter, but the audience gets up. They feel as if they are in a warm, inviting room where they can take some risks. She is leading them with her charm and they are willing to play along.
Use your charm and your voice and your body language in this way and you can inspire a man who loves you to do great things! If he feels comfort and acceptance, and he trusts your charm he will rise to many challenges. He will build and renovate your house, work brutal hours, protect you with his life.
But if you use your charm to lead him into danger, to use his powers against him, to harm and deceive him like a witch he will not trust you, he will resent you for good reason!
The point is for you to understand how powerful your feminine nature is, how expressions of your femininity come through in your voice and to show you that you can control it. Your voice can give comfort and peace, feelings men seek in the company of women. Your voice can inspire, lift up and encourage. Of course, it can also destroy, demean and reject. If you are careless with it you will do these things without knowing. Why sabotage your relationships because you do not value and are not aware of your feminine tools?
Now, the challenge is to be more aware of when you are using your variety of voices. And especially to become aware when you are moving into a masculine, forceful voice. Are you doing this with a true enemy? Or are us using your mean voice out of exhaustion and frustration against your partner or your kids? Are you using your charm to persuade or being a bully?
Catching yourself when you are putting on an aggressive voice will help you manage your relationships better, will bring more calm and less conflict to your life and will help you live more fully in your feminine nature.
Your voice is magic, make music not messes!