There is not a woman in existence who doesn’t shit test. It’s part of our make up. We are rarely aware, in the midst of a shit test, that we are doing it. It’s organic. I believe this comes from a woman’s deep need for security. Due to our natural and biological vulnerabilities we seek protection and security. Shit tests come out of this chronic insecurity. They serve a purpose for us as we use them to “test the waters” to make sure that what existed before still exists. More secure women will test their reality, the solidity of the walls, the availability of resources, the protection and comfort of her man less frequently than a more insecure woman. An insecure woman might test constantly. But all women will test. It will never end. It’s best to learn how to deal with it instead of fighting it or fighting with the women you love over it.
Sometimes, if we are self-aware and open to thinking critically about ourselves and our actions we can recognize that the fight we picked or the probing question we asked served no purpose at all except as a shit test.
I shit test, sometimes intentionally, but mostly as a reaction or to fill an emotional need that I don’t quite understand yet. Shit tests are always meant to provoke a response in a man but the source of the problem is always an inner conflict that I haven’t acknowledged yet. Yeah, life is unfair.
Very often, women do not know what we are feeling in the moment. Our emotions can be intense and even conflicting. Especially now that we have a culture that tries to tell us we are certain ways or are supposed to reject certain things, we feel inadequate or “wrong” when we feel something different. That creates an inner conflict between what we are experiencing and what we think we should be experiencing. That conflict creates a sense of instability as well as a layer of doubt, fear and shame that we are not what we are “supposed to be.”
Many of these feelings are buried and they come out in surprising, often unproductive ways. One of these ways is the shit test in part because we’ve been told that the origin of our suffering is men (a newer phenomenon) and also because we look to the men in our lives to resolve our problems, even our emotional problems (likely a tendency since the beginning of time).
So, when we are attached to a man we admire or need, we see him as both the cause and solution to our problems. But our problems are not tangible. Our biggest problem is our internal conflict of wanting to feel safe and secure but being biologically insecure on some level.
The shit test is an emotional outburst to gauge if our problem is caused by or can be resolved by the man. However, the shit test is not the problem. It is a symptom of the problem. And like the symptoms of a disease, you can treat the symptoms for temporary relief but if you never address the underlying cause, you will eventually die. Further, fixing the shit test is a red herring; it is a trap. If you respond to the shit test in any way, if you attempt to answer or repair the shit test in any way, you have failed. Because the shit test is a trap to say, “Can I count on you?”
A woman’s insecurity and a man’s ability to tend to it appropriately is the foundation of a relationship’s success. If you get a woman with a stronger foundation, you will have less work, but there is no foundation that doesn’t require any maintenance at all. All foundations require reinforcement.
The only appropriate response to a shit test is to dismiss it. You can not take the question seriously. You should not taking responsibility in any way (the cause or the solution) for her inner conflict.
When you “answer” her shit test, you are acknowledging that there is a crack in the foundation. If you acknowledge the crack then you are liable to be responsible for it. You will be blamed for causing it and you will be made responsible for repairing it.
“Do I look fat?” Classic shit test. A no answer opens possibility that you are lying. If she feels fat enough to ask then your answer is contradicting her feeling. And if your “no” is not convincing enough to obliterate her feeling, she will be angry at you for lying.
A yes answer won’t help either.
The only way to respond to a shit test is to dismiss it or make a joke as if it’s ridiculous, but not to answer it either way. Teasing is always effective. Followed by escalating sexually to get her turned on. This also shows her the attention and confirmation of affection she is likely seeking more than an answer.
It is truly not the man’s problem that she has these inner conflicts. They are a result of our biology clashing with culture, the misinformation spread to women and it is foremost a result of our personal hormonal cocktail.
The solution, of course, is for her to understand her body chemistry better, her moods, her feelings and take personal responsibility for handling them. But even still, our emotions sometimes are several leaps ahead of our minds. So, understanding each other helps a lot too.
Women need to reject the current cultural teachings that tell us that men are the cause of all our problems, that tell us to reject our femininity and suppress our quirks. We must reject the notion that we are supposed to be always strong, steady and in control (aka masculine). In the meantime, helping men understand these shit tests, good ways to respond to them, maybe a little sympathy/empathy for her inner conflicts, is the best we can do.