I haven’t written in a while as I’ve been going through some personal changes. I’ve had a need for some re-centering and then redirecting in my life. It’s all good but it’s taken my focus away from the blog, away from others, and onto myself for a while and so I’ve been a bit out of touch.
Here’s the thing, I’m feeling a fire in my heart. I’ve got ants in my pants. I’m a storm with a calm center and chaos at my edges and I need to pour out my rain and wind to settle my mind and heart. The way to pour out my storm is through writing and so that’s what I’m going to do.
For the past year (almost exactly), I’ve focused on dating advice for this blog. It’s been a passion for me because I have friends dating, I’ve been dating and we’ve been making the same mistakes, suffering the same heartbreak and coming up short. The advice we were given and the advice that is still popular is, in my opinion, complete bullshit. It is setting us up for more pain and heartbreak. Is it intentional? Do the media outlets, popular dating gurus, relationship experts want us to suffer? No. I don’t think so. For the most part, I think they are just out of touch. Maybe they are on auto pilot. Perhaps their advice has worked in the past and perhaps it is still working for some women and men out there. I would hope so with the kind of popularity they experience. But for me and my friends, it is all wrong.
Briefly, feminism has taught women to value their bodies and sexuality less. It has made women believe that the more indifferent we are, the tougher we are, emotionally impenetrable, tough and masculine we are, the more “empowered” we will be. Total complete bullshit. We are training ourselves to ignore our most vital needs. We are disengaging from our guts, our intuition, our true selves! For all the hashtag BE YOURSELF posts we see, the more we are drifting farther and farther from true authenticity and closer to emotionless, indifferent clones.
Our individuality no longer comes from our quirks, our sensitivities, our hopes, dreams and talents but from our outer appearance: neon hair, wild outfits, make-up that requires hour-long tutorials. What the f@ck is this garbage, ladies? We are hiding behind outrageous personas. We are numbing ourselves with alcohol, anti-depressants, and a practiced “no fucks given” indifference attitude that is making us less unique, less happy, less satisfied and less individual.
When everyone around you is dressed like a rebel. When rebel fashion is sold at the mall, you’re a conformist. You’re a conformist and you don’t even realize it! You are a mimic, a poser, a fake! Now, listen, if that’s how you want to be, then that’s fine. Dress how you want, I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. I have no fashion sense at all and that’s why I dress like a dork. If I knew any better and had more money I’d be imitating some stylish fashionistas myself. It’s not about what you wear or how you look, that’s my point. It’s about your heart, your spirit, your mind. And that’s what we’ve lost with all this outward focus on appearing the part. That’s what we lose when we discredit and dismiss our sensitivities and personal nuances.
And that’s what most of the dating advice, lifestyle advice and societal pressure has encouraged us to do… lose touch with ourselves in the name of instagrammed hashtag empowerment.
I want to get real. My close friends want to get real. And if you are reading this blog, I know that you too, want to get real.
So, that brings me to the real reason for this post: my new direction.
I have a long list of dating advice posts that I still want to write, but I don’t have the motivation to write them, at the moment. They are sassy and funny, insightful and poignant and probably some of them are necessary and some are pointless, but they are waiting and I’m not too excited. As a result, I’ve let this blog languish neglected.
Just like you and me, this blog is too damn fabulous to be neglected!
But it’s a hobby, not a job so it shouldn’t feel like a chore. And so, for now, I’m going to be posting on a variety of subjects that interest me. I’ve updated my visual layout, I’ve added some categories and I’m getting fired up to share the things about me that break my heart. I’m going to pour out my sensitivities, my passions, my creativity and let my words and posts rain pour out from the heart of my storm until the clouds dry up or move on.
We have all of us, men and women, been deceived. We are losing ourselves in our search for identity! We are hiding from our deepest selves because the deeper we go, the closer we get to pain. But the deeper we go, the closer we get to healing too. It’s scary and we’ve been ill-equipped. We’ve been taught and encouraged only to touch on the surface.
I’m tired of that. It stirs me up to see it and it creates in me an agitation that can’t be calmed without an outlet. This blog is my outlet.
We need to talk about real empowerment and real individuality, which means we need the courage to see the truth about the world and ourselves. We need clarity of mind and heart to discern the difference between something meant to lift us up or push us down. We are oppressed in the name of empowerment! We are sacrificing our integrity, our value, our power, just giving it away and collecting participation prizes and social media likes and empty applause. Soon we will be empty and weak. I’m fighting this and I want you to fight with me!
There are so many things that are sold as women’s empowerment that are actually holding you back! Being praised for your indifference, being taught to be emotionally detached, being encouraged to give yourself (your body, your time, your efforts) freely without demanding respect, appreciation, effort or vulnerability in return. It’s not a tit for tat world, but if you don’t value yourself you will be spread so thin you will be empty! And this is what is happening. We are all so painfully empty we try to fill ourselves with quick satisfactions like easy attention, cheap thrills, throwaway relationships; numb ourselves with alcohol or distract ourselves with unchecked consumption.
Keeping up the status quo is like a race to the bottom, spiraling faster and faster. Our desire to be accepted for superficial status symbols is the cheap drug that keeps us from getting in touch with what is really hurting us and how to fix it. Only the symbols of status have changed, but the conformity and brain washing is all the same as it has been for years. Let’s break out of this. Let’s be truly daring by forming intimate bonds, being raw and vulnerable, admitting our hopes, dreams and disappointments.
Real is attracted to real. And you can not form a bond without abrasion. Shiny surfaces will not stick together. You have to rough it up, cut through the skin, then let the weak spots bond together. Our broken places and pain are how we connect. There is no other way.
So, I am going to show my broken places while sharing how we can carve a new path of self-reliance without shutting opportunities for love and connection. We need to learn to identify who truly deserves our attachment, trust, commitment and loyalty and then give ourselves freely. Not the other way around. We’ve been giving ourselves freely to those who don’t deserve us and then wondering why we are not appreciated, not valued, not loved and protected.
The world is bleak right now, we are close to chaos. Denial will leave us unprepared. If there ever was a time when we had to know our limits, know our talents and learn to identify who would have our backs who can bridge the gaps with their skills and talents, it is now. It is right fucking now.
So, while I will still be writing dating advice, I will also be writing on a lot of other topics. The common themes are being wise to the world, knowing our value, learning both self-reliance and vulnerability. Both are powerful. Both are necessary. We can not do it on our own and we are not meant to be along. But we also can not get ourselves into a position where we are desperate and put our trust in the wrong hands. There is evidence everywhere that we are trusting and giving to the wrong things, without thinking or because we are misinformed.
It’s possible the new direction of this blog will not interest you. Hopefully, you can skip over those, browse to what you like in the menu and categories and filter for what you like. And maybe you like all of it! A girl can dream!
But the upside is, I will be writing a lot more often. I will be sharing more of myself. I will be getting down to the realest real sh!t, the absolutely no bullshit and I think you will like that. I know I need it. So, your approval is not necessary but it’s encouraging when I have it.
If you want to stay along for the ride, don’t forget to subscribe via email or in the top right hand corner if you are on a desktop and by scrolling down if you are on mobile.
I’m going Full Kitten. I hope you’ll stay.