I’m starting a new series where I will tell you ladies about all the men you will meet in this lifetime. I won’t cover all of them, of course, and there will be some differences when you meet them in person. These are generalizations to keep you attuned to the kinds of men and the kinds of situations that might come up in your dating, single, married, coupled lives. When we know what to look out for, we can be better prepared to deal with it.
All the Thrills and None of the Bills!
That’s a long name for this breed of man but it characterizes him perfectly. Be careful, ladies. He’s tempting but will destroy everything.
And when I say ladies, I mean all of you. I don’t care if you are single, or married, this man wants you and he will make it incredibly easy for you to want him back.
Before I continue, let me say, I realize there are people who are out to hurt others intentionally, but I also believe there are people who are seeking love and connection and are as naive to the amount of pain they will ultimately cause as you are. Very often, this ATNB man really is not a bad person; however, those of us on the other side can see how this situation plays out predictably time and again and so we have to warn you and arm you with information so you aren’t tempted by the charming snake who poison’s everything.
Charming Devil, Ain’t He?
The ATNB man is a flirt, he’s emotionally available, he makes you feel good. He gives you something that you don’t have at the moment or lost. Maybe you are a wife and mother with young kids and your husband is always busy, ATNB might send you a quick message on Facebook to compliment you. ATNB might always run into you at the gym and have a charming smile and look at you in a way that makes you feel sexy and young. He makes you feel how you used to feel, when you got more than 4 hours sleep, when you weren’t scented with baby milk spit up, when you fit into your skinny jeans. He makes you feel how your husband made you feel when you started dating.
And all of a sudden his presence reminds you of how much everything has changed. You feel tremendous loss at the ease and excitement you used to have with your husband before shit got real. It’s addictive to want another taste of that feeling. So maybe you continue to message him, or you start to change your schedule so you can see him more frequently. You are hungry for the feeling he gives you that you miss so much.
The Beginning of the End
This is the beginning of the end, Ladies. Don’t go down this path. This is the beginning of a potential emotional or sexual affair. While the temptation may feel irresistible, let me tell you it never ends well. The momentum will pick up on this desire. Resentment will build with your husband who is powerless to counteract these forces because he’s busy working and your shift has happened in secret.
You start to imagine a life with this man, maybe he enjoys the fantasy too.
It get’s out of control. It’s thrilling and exciting! You’ve got romance, butterflies, sex! You feel adored. You feel back to the old you, whatever happened to her?
But these thrills are not the stuff of relationships. These thrills are the stuff of delusion and fantasy.
When the Bed Ain’t Rocking, The Debt Collector Comes Knocking
Eventually, there comes a time when the bills are due in your relationship. The hard stuff, the grown up stuff. The stuff that was taking priority with you and your husband that made you feel neglected and alone. We’ve all got bills. And even our relationships have to pay the bills.
The bills we pay are the actual bills but they are also the things we do when we love someone and are building a life that are necessary but not that fun. Take care of each other when we are sick, support each other during stress, listen to each other when we need compassion and understanding, root for each other when everything seems to be against us.
ATNB guys do not want to be there for all that. Either they don’t even know how real shit gets or they simply are there for the fun and thrill.
Now, some of these ATNB guys are lonely and looking for love. They see an opportunity and they go for it. Maybe they don’t know you are already attached. Maybe they don’t care. There are some of these guys, they may not admit it but I am telling you the truth, who intentionally seek out married women who are giving off signs that they are dissatisfied and they approach them with the full intention of being all of her thrills and leaving all the bills to her husband.
It can be hard to identify when a man is in it for all the thrills and none of the bills. First of all he could be intentionally deceiving you. Second of all, he could be so enticing and irresistible that you ignore all the signs and warnings. Third, your friends and society are going to be telling you that he is the answer to all your frustrations. Society wants you miserable. Your retail therapy has made many rich!
Take for instance this song that everyone loves so much. I myself absolutely love Sam Hunt’s voice. It is liquid desire.
Try to listen to the words and ignore the video for now.
“I don’t wanna steal your freedom
I don’t wanna change your mind
I don’t have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time
When you read the words without listening to his seductive voice, this is what the song is about:
“I don’t wanna wreck your Friday
I ain’t gonna waste my lines
I don’t have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time
“I don’t want to make any commitments. I don’t need anything from you except your time (attention, affection, sex). I’m not going to even put any effort in you. Not even my tired lines, you’re not that much to me.”
He doesn’t want your heart. He doesn’t want to go home with you. He doesn’t want to make a life with you. He wants you for the thrill!
And women left and right are swooning at how romantic this song is. It’s not romantic ladies, it’s sugar-coated shit! It’s deception. It’s fake affections, empty intentions. Lies always go down smooth like syrup.
“You could have walked away
but you’re still here
and I’m still here.”
Ladies, you are in control. Don’t play the victim. Be a woman. Grow up. Be Accountable. Walk away.
Nothing against Sam Hunt. He’s an artist and I love his voice and his music. I sing along with this song in my head. But you have to stay aware that some of the easiest things to believe, the smoothest seductions are not the answer to your problems that they appear to promise. They are in fact the crack in your shield that will blow your whole world up.
You can get mad at these men all you want for taking advantage. It ain’t right but honey we are not living in a puritanical society that shames misbehavior. We are living in a hedonistic society that celebrates dysfunction. Not a single thing in this world is making doing the right thing easy for you. Doing the right thing is getting harder and harder. If you don’t want to be the target of an ATNB dude then you need to make sure you are not making yourself available. Don’t commit relationship arson.
- Emotional Discipline
- Girlfriends you trust who will bitch slap you back into reality instead of feeding your denial
- Awareness that society wants you to be miserable. Doing the right thing is a FIGHT
- Courage to fight for what matters
- Eyes wide open to who you are, what your needs are, and how to satisfy them without torching your life
More on that later.
You need these because ultimately all the bills will come due and he will walk away and you will be the one to pay. You will pay with your future, your calm, your love, your family. Your life will explode into confusion and pain. I’m not saying that I would wish this on you, I’m saying this is how it goes. Every time. If you aren’t seeing lives exploding in this way it’s because it’s happening in secret. But this is the sad path. Walk it at your own peril.