blog,  Feminism,  Women

You Don’t Need a Man? Bullshit!

I get tired of hearing unhappy women talk about how they don’t need a man.  Especially while they are constantly searching for one.  Since when has it become shameful to need someone? Since when have we become embarrassed by our desire to connect? 

Of course I need a man in my life! That’s as obvious as the fact that I need friends, and shelter, and food!  It doesn’t mean I won’t have a fulfilling and satisfying life without a man. It doesn’t mean I’m incompetent on my own or that I can’t be happy without a man in my life. Stop being so ridiculous! There’s a lot to life and relationships aren’t the ONLY fulfilling thing, but they are important and when I’m in a good one, everything is better. I AM BETTER. 

When I have a man to love, to give myself to, to desire and need as an extension of my nature, I am more. I am more of myself. I am myself at full expression.  I am full alone, but with love I am overflowing. There is so much more of me to me when I am actively giving my heart and caring for someone else.  To have that with a man who will encourage me, love me and need me back as an expression of his nature as well. And it is that connection and love that we all crave.  That’s a healthy relationship.  

If a healthy relationship involves give and take, then why do we try to prepare ourselves or love by needing nothing? Giving nothing? Taking nothing? Why do we try to be so complete that there are no spaces available for someone else to squeeze in and make a difference?

We’ve gotten it so backwards, pretending we need nothing.  Women have tried to make themselves appear more desirable by marketing ourselves as needing nothing, self-sufficient, low-maintenance.  What are we … appliances?

Not only have we sold ourselves short by presenting ourselves as low impact we have also set the bar low for men! “I don’t need a man, he would be nice to have, but I don’t need one.”  Oh, you mean like a designer purse? Like a new iPhone?  We’ve turned men into a disposable luxury item! (We’ve done the same with children, too but that rant is for another day…)

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that if we appear to not need anything we will be more desirable.  Low-cost, low-maintenance, low-expectations.  Look at me! I barely eat! I will be quiet over here! I will not fuss! I will not ask much! Just Love Me!

Fuck that.

Since when has loving someone been an easy job?  Since when has Love demanded so little of us?  Since never!

This self-promotion of needing nothing but wanting love only makes sense when we realize that there’s no one we lie to more when we are looking for love than to ourselves. We will rationalize anything to pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it… but you aren’t supposed to be faking your own damn life.  And how do I know it’s a lie?  Because as soon as we find a relationship, we “want more,” “aren’t getting enough, and feel “taken for granted!”  Well, no shit Sherlock! You get what you ask for. 

I understand that the point is to not need just any man or to allow others to think we would die if we were alone. We aren’t, and shouldn’t feel, worthless when we are alone.  An ability to enjoy the single life and be happy in times of solitude is important, but we’ve gotten too extreme!  Let’s get beyond these great big proclamations of autonomy and admit that we need each other and leave some space for love, for vulnerability, for intimacy for caring. 

Don’t close off that space where you need the comfort, challenge, excitement of another person. Don’t be so self-sufficient that you don’t experience the humbling, connecting act of giving yourself in support and accepting help in need.

First of all, not needing anyone is sometimes a veil for not wanting to give anything.  When we give we are vulnerable, we are put out, we soften.

Having nothing to give and needing nothing is a prison!  It’s a lonely, stale place. And if your ultimate goal is to be so independent and autonomous that you can convince someone to love you because you would be no trouble and entirely self-sufficient, you are setting yourself up for a cold, distant, unemotional relationship, or solitude. Because who wants that? Not me.

Worse than that, you will find someday that you have lied to yourself.  Because eventually, we all need someone.  And if we have nothing to offer anyone and push everyone away to prove our autonomy, then no one will be there for us when we need someone.  You may think you’re alone when you are too cool to need, but you will find out what alone truly means someday when you have no one to count on because you have never let anyone in.  That, my friend, is alone. Alone and isolate. 

It is not a sign of weakness to have moments of need. It is a sign of strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable.



  • Bella LaVey

    Years ago, after reading Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix with my then partner we began claiming this concept, (I need your love) and verbally expressing it with each other. It is ridiculous to think that I had to practice verbally saying, I need your love, but I did! Society had conditioned me to think needing love from another was a sign of weakness and needing love shameful. Great Read. Keep Writing! I love your blogs!

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