Attraction,  blog,  Essay,  Men

Being "Nice" Doesn’t Get You Sex

Here’s a secret that Nice Guys don’t seem to understand.  If you read this and you are thinking this is the most obvious post on the planet then you might be either a bad boy or a good guy.  But there are guys who will read this and think, “well yes that makes sense but…”  If there is a “but” at the end of your thought, this post is for you.

Being “nice” doesn’t get you sex.  Doing the dishes, buying flowers, taking a woman to dinner, complimenting her dress, buying her jewelry and getting married are also things that do not get you sex. Being “lucky” doesn’t get you sex.  Embracing sexuality.

Darius Rucker’s Song “Might Get Lucky” is the Nice Guy Anthem. In it, he lists all the things he does in the hopes that he will “get lucky.”  These things include taking care of kids, playing his cards right and flattery.


Here’s the thing, these things do not get you sex.  I’ll tell you what gets you sex.


Making her feel sexy and turning her on. Getting her aroused.  End.Of.Story.


Okay I will address your buts…

But, women say they want us to help out.  Yes, they want you to help out because they are tired and stressed.  It is easier for a man to get aroused. Most women need to relax their bodies and their minds in order to get aroused.  Sexuality for women is 99% mental and 1% physical.  If she is tense or distracted or upset, trying to turn her on is going to make you look like you are completely out of touch with her and don’t care about her needs.  So, taking on some of her responsibilities so that she can let go of her “to do list” long enough to “do” you, is an important step toward creating an environment where she is receptive to your sexual advances, but these are not the sexual advances themselves!

Does that make sense?  You want to create the environment, the time, the space and the atmosphere where she can relax and let go of her distractions so she can focus on you and your seduction.  But the time, the space and the atmosphere are not arousing and inviting in themselves.

If you make the time, the space and atmosphere for her to relax and let go, she’s just as likely to curl up with a book, take a nap, write a letter or call a friend in that time.  All of those things are pleasing and satisfying to her and a good use of her time.  If you want to have sex with her in that time, you need to take the next step and seduce her.

How do you seduce a woman?

Every woman is different and every woman has different turn ons, but I’d venture to say that in a general sense, these 4 things (the specifics of which will be unique to your relationship) are essential in seducing your woman.

Disclaimer: Because I love the idiots who comment, “but when I do these things I can get arrested.” For the sake of sanity, we are assuming you have a relationship established and these are not random women in the grocery store that you are leering at. Capisce?

1. Show her you want her (no, not by doing the helicopter or sending a dick picture or poking her in the back).  Let yourself feel your desire for her and don’t hide it.  Touch her, kiss her, get close to her, give her your full attention.

2. Make her feel feminine.  Flirt with her, make her laugh. Help her relax with a massage or cuddle.

3. Engage her mind.  Flattery is empty and a turn off.  Talk to her, with your mouth close to her ear about what she does that turns you on.  Get her thinking in a sexual frame by being suggestive and naughty.

4. Make her feel special.  Don’t seduce all women the same way.  If she feels that you are going through the motions or following a guide she will feel generic and inhuman. That’s a huge turn off.  Show her the ways you appreciate and are excited by her in specific.

In the age of dick picks, pick up lines, arranged date nights and prescriptive sex, we’ve lost the art of seduction.  We’ve forgotten that one of the main purposes of sex is to connect two people intimately, give them an escape from the world where they can get lost in each other.  Create an exciting bond where they take care of each other’s sexual needs, giving pleasure, expressing desire, showing love and providing release and ecstasy.

What do you know of great love?  Do you want great love or do you want maintenance sex?

“What do you know of great love? Have you ever loved a woman until milk leaked from her as though she had just given birth to love itself, and now must feed it or burst? Have you ever tasted a woman until she believed that she could be satisfied only by consuming the tongue that had devoured her? Have you ever loved a woman so completely that the sound of your voice in her ear could cause her body to shudder and explode with such intense pleasure that only weeping could bring her full release?” Don Juan DeMarco

One Comment

  • Dave Mercer

    Very interesting, building on some of the points you tried to get across in the podcast.
    One question: where’s #4?

    Always enjoy your clarity and your insight. 🙂

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