It’s Not You, It’s Him

There are a lot of things to consider when you are dating and seeking a partner.  Most articles eagerly point out the obvious like “do you like him,” “are your lifestyles and values compatible?”

One question women often overlook that lands them in miserable, unsatisfying relationships is probably more important than any of the others.

Does he like women?

I’m not talking about his sexual orientation.  I am talking about heterosexual, sexually active, professional, everyday men who just don’t “like” women. They want to have sex with women. But that’s not the same as “liking” women.  You’ve got to wonder (and verify with behavior) if he actually “likes” women. I don’t mean is he a hater or even that he dislikes women. I mean simply, “does he have an appreciation for women?” “Does he enjoy the company of women?” “Does he have patience and understanding for feminine quirks, strengths and weaknesses?” “Does her feminine energy make him feel more masculine and alive?” “Or does it make him feel agitated and tense?”

Let me tell you, a lot of men don’t really “like” women.  They find them attractive, and they desire women for sex and ego, but they are simply going through the motions of spending time, going on dates, conversation, to get what they want from her (sex and ego boosts).  Once he gets what he wants his interest wanes.  And if he decides to enter a long-term relationship (either because he feels the pressures of society or he simply doesn’t want the lifestyle or work of jumping from female to female) his distaste for her will slowly start to build and create a toxic, unhealthy relationship.

People can be great actors.  They can fake their way into getting what they want, but eventually, the true colors will always come out.  Only sociopaths can fake their way through life every day! Let’s just hope your problems aren’t quite that dramatic!

Let me be clear here, I don’t think that men who don’t “like” women are bad people.  We aren’t all the same and don’t all have to be the same.  Many men who don’t like women still treat them with respect and can appreciate women and the company of women in smaller doses (at work, socially, with family) and may even thoroughly enjoy and look forward to their friendships and interactions with women. But their interactions are limited to events and situations with boundaries where he isn’t asked to share too much of himself or to fulfill her needs beyond a professional or social level–unless he’s looking for sex, and then he might, play the game for a bit to get what he wants. Don’t hate the game. The game has always existed. And people of all kinds have always existed.  Just be smart and only invest in someone who is also investing in you.

You can label him selfish but that’s not true.  You can even label him a misogynist, as many will try, but that’s not true either.  I’m not saying he hates women, I’m saying he doesn’t “like” them in all the ways you would want a man to like a woman in a relationship.  Many of these men realize they do not want the regular company of women and decide to never marry or even date.  I don’t like cats, therefore I don’t have a cat. Get over it!  There is no difference between this and a person who does not like kids and chooses not to have kids.  They aren’t a threat to kids, they won’t abuse kids, they will probably even enjoy hanging out with someone else’s kids, even taking them for the day or a weekend and having a blast.  This person may even love the kids in his or her life, but also realize that he or she doesn’t want to be a parent of his or her own kids.  He doesn’t want to deal with the diapers, the tantrums, the cost, the loss of free time, the expense.  So he chooses not to have kids. Big whoop.  We all make choices.

However, if you happen to be the child of a parent who didn’t want kids, or didn’t think it through and then realized they don’t really like kids and have little patience for them outside of short, contained events, you might feel distant.  You might begin to question your worth. It might affect your self-esteem as you wonder if you will ever be good enough.  You might battle confusion as you hear the words, “I love you” but don’t see the actions and don’t feel the comfort of parental love.

It’s the same when you are in a long-term relationship with a man who doesn’t really like women. The way you are naturally will start to grate on him.  He will have a harder time hiding his resentment and disgust.  When you are in love with someone who is not in love with you, it starts to hurt you emotionally and destroy your self-esteem.  He may not even realize that he just doesn’t like women. You can ask him and he will say he does because he’s not gay. But it’s not the same.

And I’m not pinning all the blame on men here.  There are PLENTY of women who don’t like or respect men.  They can be the awful kind who can be mean, emasculating and hurtful. Or they can simply not enjoy the company of men and choose to spend time in the company of females.  Sometimes they marry out of the desire to have children and then their toxic murk comes out when they emasculate and demean their husbands.  But if they divorce or choose to never marry, these women who don’t like men will most often simply ignore and avoid men.  They will run in all female circles, live alone and be perfectly happy.

The tricky part for women dating after divorce is that unlike the women who don’t like men, these men who don’t like women are in the dating pool.  They are actively dating women, actively trying to be a part of their lives and have learned sophisticated ways to be in their lives to get what he wants without giving her what she needs.  What does he want? Sex and ego boosts.  Many women can live without sex.  But many men will still have a strong drive for sex and even companionship of a woman but do not want the full relationship.  So they will date and seduce women but then pull away when the relationship gets more serious or remain emotionally unavailable, or refuse to commit.  He will want the relationship on his terms only.

I have encountered this situation a few times.  It has always baffled me but I’ve put together some clues that have been common factors in the men I’ve dated who turned out not to like women all that much.

1. Does he have female friends?  If he doesn’t have ANY female friends, I would take that as a huge sign.  Many men are in the friend zone or have a couple of women who they talk to or get advice and perspective from on certain things.  This could be a sister, a friend who put him in the friend zone but the friendship developed and now there is no discomfort or just women in his social circle whose advice he trusts and companionship he enjoys.  If women are in his life as girlfriends and that’s it, I’d take that as a sign.
2. Does his acceptance (or not) of homosexuals rate on a scale?  Is he okay with gay men who still appear masculine but expresses disdain for homosexual men who exhibit largely feminine traits?  This one is hard to explain, but I’ve found that men who dislike women also dislike any feminine traits.  They may claim not to be homophobic but their acceptance of homosexual men is dependent on how effeminate he is or isn’t.
3. Does he show a lack of interest in getting to know you? Is he intolerant of mood swings? Does he find menstruation disgusting? Does he complain about how long it takes for you to get ready?  Does he resent your nurturing side? Face it, we’re not always easy to get along with. My own hormones and PMS sometimes drives me nuts, I don’t know how anyone else would put up with me if they didn’t actually like me and appreciate me for the complicated, moody, emotional, passionate woman I am.
4. Are all is exes “crazy?” 
   • people often go to extremes when under extreme emotional pain.  Sometimes the one going crazy just had more pain.  And if he was so calm and collected, was he really that invested? Is not caring about losing a significant relationship really a badge of honor?  Very easy to point fingers and place blame when you have an underlying level of disrespect for the other person.
   • If all of his exes went crazy, maybe he subconsciously selected women he wouldn’t get close enough to ever be emotionally vulnerable.  Maybe they had a personality flaw and his treatment of her made her lose her shit when she realized that she’d been manipulated, even if not intentionally.
5. Does he describe men in long-term relationships as being pussy whipped or similar?  Does he have male friends who are in long-term relationships who sometimes miss guys nights out or events? Or who go to boring events or do things for his wife simply to please her, sacrificing his wants for his wife’s wants.  Does he perceive this as a lack of masculinity? Claim she owns his balls? Call him pussy whipped?  Red flag.
6. Do your male friends try to steer you away from him? Sometimes your male friends may not want you dating someone out of jealousy, but more often than not if they are steering you away from a guy it’s because he knows something you don’t.  Men are privy to the “guy talk” and “locker room” talk and will hear men’s uncensored opinions of women and the women they date.  Men can very easily pick up on other men who seem to act one way with women but talk about them a different way.  A man like this will carefully avoid revealing this side of himself to women because it will cock block him. He knows better than to sell himself out.  And while men may not enjoy this trait in other men it’s largely benign and easy to ignore or dismiss in the company of men. They only really start to pay attention to it and care when one of these men shows interest in a woman in his life. It’s very difficult to tell a friend, male or female, that you don’t like their love interest.  Especially when there are mutual friends, especially when they just have a hunch, especially when they want you happy and don’t want to be the bearer or bad news.  But if a good male friend who has supported you through other relationships is really turned off by a particular guy, it’s worth paying attention.
7. Does he listen to any music by female artists?  This is the strangest but most common and easy to pick out trait.  The men I’ve dated or met who don’t seem to really like women do not appear to have any female artists in their music collection and do not read books written by women.

I want to be clear that I’m not saying that one of the things in the list above mean a guy doesn’t like women.  And I’m not saying that men who don’t like women hate women or would ever harm women.  And I’m not saying that you can connect a man living alone or not being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t like women.  It can be REALLY HARD to find the right partner. It takes two. I would know!  And I’m not saying that a man who doesn’t really like women is a bad person or a bad friend.

What I’m saying is that if you are seeking a deeply passionate, intimately connected relationship for the long-term, you will want to find a man who LOVES women. And you need to consider if the man you are seeing is really looking to build a long-term relationship with all the commitments and work that comes with that. You need to consider if he likes women as much as or more than he likes what women do for him or bring to his life.

You just can’t assume that because he is heterosexual and dating and interested in pursuing you romantically (aka sexually) that his interests in you go beyond what might feel more like an arrangement than passionate love. You can’t assume that because he wants sex with women and the company of women from time to time that he wants everything that comes with a relationship being with and loving a woman. Be smart! Let the men chase you! If he’s not that into you, let him go.