Attraction,  blog,  Dating Advice,  Love is Blind Book,  Men

Rejecting the Nice Guy

It’s no secret I’m no fan of “nice guys.”  I’m not talking about “good” people here. I love good people. In fact, I’m glad– for the sake of common decency and societal calm–that nice guys are nice and polite as a course of their day because grumpy, negative Nelly’s are worse, but as far as dating goes, I’m not going to date a “nice guy.” Nope. Not going to happen.

I find “Nice Guys” to be artificial, entitled, self-absorbed and dull. A nice guy spends so much time trying to be who he thinks you want him to be, that he has no idea what he wants or needs.

Nice guys are not sincere.  They are “nice” because they think being nice will get them something.  They don’t treat you well out of the kindness of their heart or their friendly character, they treat you “nice” as a means to getting something from you.  Not only are they using “nice” as a way to get something, they also believe, incorrectly, that what they want from you is something you don’t want to part with.  So they are at odds with themselves.  They want something, they want you to give it willingly, but if you give it willingly they lose respect for you, so the only way they are comfortable getting it from you is by deceiving you.  Their deception is in pretending to have no ulterior motives. Their deception is in pretending that they appreciate you and enjoy you with all your complexities.  They don’t. They are tolerating you until they get what they want and then when they get it, they feel guilty.

This is when they become dangerous to women.  Sometimes they are physically dangerous, sometimes they are emotionally dangerous, but always they are dangerous to your spirit and energy and self-confidence because their quiet resentment and disrespect will be felt by you and it will feel shitty.

Listen, there are guys out there who desire women, but who don’t like them.  They want to have a woman sexually, and he may also want the comforts and convenience that a relationship with a woman will bring him.  But that is not the same as a man who truly enjoys women and their company and who can appreciate a woman as a complex, full person.

A man who truly appreciates and respects a woman will appreciate her depth and complexity. That is a “Good Guy.” A Good Guy will express his appreciation and admiration for her by expressing his own depth and complexity. He won’t hold back his less savory sides.  He will be real.

Nice Guys aren’t real. They are nice.  They are sometimes smarmy. They are supplicating. They are inconsistent. They feel entitled. They try to barter for access to your sexuality or your time and when they have degraded themselves by accommodating your every need and doting on you and being nice and appeasing but do not get their “reward” they feel rejected.  And the rejected nice guy is anything but nice.  He’s an asshole.  He may call the bad boys assholes, but this is not true.  Bad boys are real, meaning authentic and genuine.  And because they are real, they recognize their own inadequacies, have an understanding of what they want and don’t want, and respect their own limitations… as a result, they respect yours too.

One of the biggest reasons “Nice Guys” are dangerous is because they can’t handle rejection. They’ve been coddled and believe that playing by the “rules” will get them what they want handed to them. So when it doesn’t happen that way they freak out at the injustice and at you. Instead of walking away, they react and attack. A bad boy knows that he won’t connect with everyone and he isn’t entitled to anything.  He attracts women who are attracted by what he has to offer and he maximizes these opportunities. He goes after what he wants in an unapologetic way but when he is rejected, he moves on, because he knows enough to realize that there are women who want exactly what he wants, and it’s just a matter of finding her.

Nice guys don’t understand that.  They think women don’t like or want sex and need to be tricked or manipulated into it.  And they listen, ad nausea to their female friends lamenting about bad boys and bad boyfriends. So they try to make themselves into what these women are proclaiming, out of frustration, that they want.

But they aren’t truly that guy, first of all. And secondly, women don’t really want a “nice guy.” They want a guy who genuinely loves and appreciates her. Not one who fakes it, like the nice guy.

So when he’s gone to all this effort to emulate the man he thinks she wants, when he suppresses his true desires, hides his nature and goes to all this effort to be exactly what he believes she wants and then she rejects him, he can’t handle it.

If I were to describe the kinds of guys to avoid, abusive guys would be at the top of the list, followed by nice guys and pretty boys. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate kindness, sociability or comfort.  I do. Good Guys have those traits.  Good guys are nice when they feel sympathetic or want to do something for someone and expect nothing in return, except maybe a thank you or warm fuzzies. If someone is a dick or a bitch, a good guy will confront him or her and not worry about appearing bad. He’s authentic. He could be Mother Theresa if that’s his nature, but he doesn’t go around keep score, expecting favors or favoritism and getting butt-hurt when he isn’t rewarded for his actions.

Most of the time, it’s the Nice Guy who will call you a bitch if you refuse their offer of a drink in a bar. He’s the guy who will call you a whore if you don’t want to have sex with him.  He is the guy who feel entitled to a girlfriend simply because he’s not an asshole.  He compares himself to a woman’s ex boyfriend or current boyfriend that she’s complaining about and tries to be what he’s not.  He compares himself to the traits of the lowest common denominator and expect a prize.

When he doesn’t get results (insert coin, receive gumball) he responds as if life is unfair and he’s been swindled or deceived.  This is because he simply doesn’t understand women, sexuality or seduction.

Being “nice” doesn’t get you sex.  There is no girlfriend prize for not being an asshole. Being sexual gets you sex. Being awesome gets you sex.  You need to aim higher than beating out the douchebag.

They are so out of touch with who they are and feels so entitled that they when they don’t get what they feel they deserve, they attack.  At best they are fake, smarmy, entitled, selfish and immature. At worst, they are dangerous.

This is part of what interests me in continuing to write my blog.  Because people present themselves in artificial ways to get what they want.  And if you are not careful, if you are not observant, and if you do not keep your head in check as your heart and desire race forward, you can get caught up with someone toxic, harmful, abusive, mean or deceptive.

Love is blind; keep your dating sharp.

xoxo, Kitten




  • dave

    O.K., so I take her out on a date, hoping to get to know her better,to spend time with her, with sex not even on the table ( we hardly KNOW each other), and show a sense of humor, show some kind of friendliness and desire for her company ,and pay for dinner and the movie because she is MY guest for the evening —– and THAT is being too nice because she can say that I did it ALL just to get her in the sack. I guess that you CAN’T be nice!

  • Eoin

    I work with nice guys and everything you say is true and accurate. Theres just one thing though and thats the issue of conpassion. Believe me when I tell you that these nice guys are the way they are for very good reasons. At one point they were innocent little kids who tried to be nothing but themsleves and were shamed for it. Usually by primary care givers but also by teachers, coaches etc. It was dangerous for them to be who they really were so they had to create a persona to survive. And a lot of these guys had horrific chilhoods. Im not saying you should date nice guys out of sympathy but what I am saying is try seeing whats beneath the mask and not just what you see on the surface. Compassion is a beautiful thing and the person or people who you have compassion for will feel it, and your compassion can help them heal just that tiny bit more. And by bit their true selves will emerge from hiding and reintegate into life.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: