The Secrets of a Man’s Heart

Women love sex. Not only do women love sex, but, in fact, women are far more sexual than men.  When it comes down to it, men enjoy the release of orgasm and love sex, and they are biologically wired to seek out sex, but when aroused, women have a much deeper, and more complex sexuality, and a far greater need for sexual exploration.  A man’s horniness is chronic, but a woman’s horniness is acute and when aroused, women are more likely to “lose control,” and “lose themselves” in the sex act than men.  Both men and women experience lust and desire, but for men these desires are on a lower, but more continuous scale, where women’s cravings have an intensity and are far more likely to reach extremes when released.

This is exactly the opposite of what society wants you to believe. Women are portrayed as the innocent, pure, angelic gender whereas men are portrayed as the savage, evil, sex-obsessed gender when the reality is both genders are capable of great virtue and vulnerable to the pulls of vice.

Accepting this intellectually is not easy at all. It is a fight to think in ways that are opposite to the status quo but let’s go with it as exploration, in theory. It is far easier to explore these ideas intellectually than to develop the confidence to live in a way that is congruent with accepting these beliefs. We have to start somewhere.

All around us are messages in society that portray women as squeamish, if not downright resistant, to sex. While men are portrayed as being sex hungry buffoons who think more with their little heads than their big heads.

Growing up, girls and young women are constantly reminded that all men want is sex and women have to protect themselves from sex.  Sex is something women do with their husbands as a way to keep them, out of obligation or necessity, not out of desire.  You rarely if ever hear women talk about enjoying the act of sex.   You hear women complaining that it is a chore and you hear that it is normal that most women don’t orgasm and don’t desire sex. There is no talk about women who do orgasm or enjoy sex.  It simply isn’t discussed.  The subject that is discussed, however, was that any woman who sought out sex was promiscuous, a slut and somehow flawed or broken.

I was led to believe certain things about women who liked sex: they became pregnant early; they got into abusive relationships; they became strippers; they became washed up drunks trolling bars for younger men. Basically, they lacked self-respect and also were undeserving of respect from anyone else. A woman who even acknowledged her sexual side by dressing or behaving “sexy” was a floozy and was doomed to a life of struggle, disease and poverty.

Strangely, the factor that made the sex demeaning was not that women were exchanging sex for something but that they weren’t demanding anything in exchange for it. They were doing it because they wanted to and enjoyed it and demanding nothing in return.

Out loud we will say that one shouldn’t barter or pay for sex, however social behavior and social narrative ONLY supports sex that is performed as an exchange.  It’s sex for sex’s sake alone, sex for pleasure, sex from desire, that is unforgivably shameful.

That’s right, bartering for sex is not only accepted as standard behavior, but it’s the only kind of sex that’s “socially permissible.” If a woman doesn’t get something from sex, (a commitment, financial gain, status, a baby) then she “has no standards,” “lacks self-respect” and “is a slut.”   Having sex because she enjoys it, without getting something in return — that’s the sign of depravity! Enjoying sex was a symptom of a lack of self-restraint, self-respect, intelligence and class. Any self-respecting woman would get something out of sex.  But of course, even this, she has to achieve delicately.  If her goals are too transparent, she becomes labeled a “gold digger,” accused of “sleeping her way to the top” or “a ballbreaker.”

I learned that sex is a tool–and it was a powerful one!  From a very young age I was aware of the power of flirtation. As soon as I learned to walk,  I knew I could spin in a dress with a smile and get attention and compliments and a lollipop.  As a teen, my friends and I studied the boys–not to get sex, but to get attention, to get flattery, to get status with other girls.  We practiced twirling our hair, we learned about turning our bodies toward him to show interest, we knew that a little skin went a long way and we were strategic in our mission.  We would practice bedroom eyes, licking our lips, touching our necks and then we would test these behaviors on the boys and return to our rooms to dissect the boys’ reactions with our friends.

In reality, women learn to inspire sexual, romantic reactions, to get sexual attention, but not to fulfill it. I was taught to use sex to get what I wanted without asking for it directly. I was taught to be careful never to reveal my true intentions and desires.  The threat of being stigmatized, ostracized and the pressures of being “that kind of girl” were warning enough. And the fact that my desires were in conflict with these rules made me feel shameful, confused and isolated.

The problem was, I really liked sex. I didn’t just like the release of orgasm, I liked all of it.  I craved the way a man made me feel sexy and alive. I wanted to freely want and to be wanted.  I liked the excitement of wondering if the attraction was mutual. I liked the electricity of the first kiss.  I liked discovering if the sex was going to be slowly building and sensual or immediately passionate and fiery. I liked the sounds, the smells, the heat, the sweat.  I sometimes wondered what other people looked like naked but mostly I wondered more about their behavior in bed.

I started to rethink everything I’d learned about sexuality and relationships and wonder, what other lies have I been told?  What other myths have I been conditioned to believe that are actually keeping me from living in a way that is respectful of my nature? What other limiting beliefs do I have that are holding me back?  Are women the only ones being restricted by this backwards mindset, or are there lies about men as well?

If women are far more sexual, is there a complementary myth to bash about men?  I believe in complements. I believe in the masculine/feminine dynamic.  I believe that for every action, there is a reaction and we are constantly creating or responding to events and emotions. I believe we affect and change each other and our environment constantly.  So if society sold me the lie that women don’t want sex and aren’t sexual then what other lie might I have been told?  What lie have I been told about men?  And if everyone must take ownership for their own lives and relationships, then what is my responsibility to my man?

If it is a man’s responsibility in a relationship to create the environment of acceptance where his woman can unleash her carnal sexuality, then what does he want?  If women have a deeper need for sexual expression than men, then what does a man need from his most valued relationship?

I came to the conclusion that the lie society sold me was that men don’t want love and aren’t loving. Society taught me to believe that men just wanted sex and if I wanted love, I had to lure him into it with sex and trick him into loving me.

Society is messed up.

So, I countered in my mind, the truth must be that a man’s biggest desire is to have a deeply fulfilling relationship where he can express his heart and be vulnerable without judgment.  Not only that, but to take the theory out of the park, a man is not only loving, but he is also more loving than a woman.

I looked for evidence and I found that the biggest reason men cheat is because they are not satisfied emotionally.

I also found that many stories and anecdotes depicting a man’s love include themes of great sacrifice. Do you know where a woman will die for love? And yet, we have entire militaries built on men who are willing to give the ultimate sacrifice because of their love of their country and family. There is no reward in dying for a cause but it is an ultimate expression of immense love.

One of the biggest myths women believe about men is that men aren’t capable of or don’t want love or that men only “think with their dicks.”  The jokes are boundless and plentiful but they have created an environment that takes this as fact. To believe a man to be disinterested in love and even incapable of love is a limiting belief and it is keeping both women and men starved for the love and affection that we want.   We are stunting our own and each other’s potential.  If I think a man only wants me for my vagina, I’m only going to see him as a dick.  And if a man thinks he has to trick a woman into sex while avoiding having his vulnerability trap him into something, he’s going to see women as manipulative, selfish and evil.

Believing a man to be incapable of love and only desiring sex, a woman won’t be receptive to him expressing himself this way.  She might even be condescending or hurtful when he does.  Sound familiar?  Doesn’t it sound like the same patterns in slut shaming?  We criticize and demean the other for behaving in a way that resists what society has taught us.  And yet, we secretly want to express ourselves completely in exactly these ways.  And we need to or we feel unbalanced, frustrated, resentful and isolated.

Men don’t need the sexual outlet that women need.  It is acceptable, and even encouraged, for men to go about with lust in their eyes.  They have strip clubs and locker room talk.  They can freely share a porn link, lewd jokes and naughty escapades with their friends.  At their bachelor parties, they ogle tits and ass and it’s simply considered, “boys will be boys.”  But society doesn’t allow men to open up.

Men aren’t given an outlet for their emotional expression. Men don’t want to be emotional with their peers.  Men are taught not to cry, not to be emotional.  This is similar to the message given to women, not to act sexual, not to admit to their sexual needs openly as it is a sign of depravity. A man who expresses his emotional side is seen as weak and out of control.  And just as women are often the harshest critics of other women’s sexual expression, so also men are most critical of other men’s emotional needs.

Just as a man’s sexuality is an accepted part of his identity, so is a woman’s emotional side.  As a woman, I can have emotional, bonding, intimate conversations almost anywhere! I have shared ridiculously personal stories with perfect strangers. You can find women sharing their feelings side by side at the hairdresser, stopped in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store. We have multiple emotional outlets.  When women are upset they have a phone full of contacts they could reach out to and often they will reach out to many of them until their emotional needs are met.

If a woman treats a man who expresses his feelings as if he’s pussy whipped, emasculates him, and treats him like he is nothing more than a dick and a paycheck, he’s going to grow cold and shut down, he’s going to resent her, and if a woman believes a man only wants her for her sex, for her vagina, she will then feel that it is enough to simply EXIST for him to desire her.  She doesn’t even give him the opportunity to offer her more because she doesn’t believe he’s capable.  Just like many men don’t take the time to find out about a woman’s sexual fantasies because he doesn’t believe she has them. If we act like a man only wants us for our vagina, then we end up seeing him only as a dick. If we don’t appreciate everything he has to offer, he won’t feel inspired to offer it.

And if a man treats a woman as if she has to be tricked into sex and that any expression of her sexuality outside of a trade and barter is demeaning and disrespectful, she’s going to feel like she has to hide part of her true self from him.  She will feel unappreciated and she will resent him.   He’s not going to want to ravish his wife and express his deep carnal passion for her if she treats his need for love as an afterthought, or worse, humiliates him.  He’s going to shut down, tune her out and ravish his dick in front of the latest porn hub link.

So if a man’s greatest responsibility is the care-taking of my sexual expression, unleashing my carnal desires, then what is my greatest responsibility? My responsibility in the relationship is to be the kind of woman who he feels safe to unleash his boundless love. I need to be the caretaker for his heart.

“Men are not dogs. We merely think we are and, on occasion, act as if we are. But, by believing in our nobler nature, women have the amazing power to inspire us to live up to it.”
                  Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

So, if you accept that it is a man’s role to oblige his woman’s need to unleash her deeply sexual side, then it is our job, as women, to oblige our man’s need for a deep personal connection, for intimacy, and for love not because we need to feel loved, but because he does.

Currently, it seems we have so many broken relationships.  Divorces are part of daily life as are stale, lifeless marriages.  Society would tell us that it is the abundance of opportunities for casual sex or the ease of ending a relationship.  However, most people will say that casual sex isn’t truly fulfilling and anyone who has ended a relationship, knows that it’s not easy.

But for him to want more from her than just her body, she has to be more for him. She has to challenge him to be more, give more, want more from himself and life. She needs to inspire him. She needs to give him emotional security that she can be trusted with his nobler aspects, with his deeply private emotional side, with his heart because when a man loves, he loves in such a grand fashion, it can’t be separated from anything else about him.

It is impossible to realize change without taking full responsibility.  We can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. As a woman though, this left me at a bit of a loss. What can “I” do?

Aren’t I already perfectly suited to being his emotional outlet for others?  I’m emotional! I love to talk and listen! But I knew it had to be deeper.  After all, there are a lot of men who love sex but they are not “lovers.” So it might be true that there are emotional women who are not capable of providing the emotional environment where a man can reveal his heart.  Just like there are men who can get it up and get it on, but can’t create the environment that allows his woman to tap into her deepest desires. There are also women who can talk about their own feelings and be in touch with her own needs without being able to provide the security and understanding to develop this aspect of a relationship and be the responsible caretaker for a man’s heart.

So, what kind of work does a woman need to do to be the kind of partner who can create the environment and relationship that allows him to express his emotional side with me?

She needs to believe he wants more from her than just sex
She needs to believe that he is capable of Great Love
She needs to get over her pussy privilege
She needs to accept his vulnerability as a sign of his strength and masculinity
She needs to create the environment within the relationship for him to safely express his heart

Believing that a man appreciates so little about us, we end up doing very little to develop and care for everything else we have to offer.  And in truth, it is those qualities that a man really needs from us. It is our loyalty, our thoughtfulness, our patience, our creativity, our self-respect that will inspire him to be better and offer more.  A strong man will appreciate authenticity over superficiality.

She needs to believe that he is capable of Great Love.  A man loves in such a way that he will die for us.  We better respect that!

She needs to get over her pussy privilege.  Just as the “nice guy” believes he’s entitled to a good woman because he is “nice” and thinks he’s superior to a “bad boy” because he is “not an asshole” so too, the woman with “pussy privilege” believes she’s entitled to a good man simply because she exists with a vagina or is prettier than another girl. She needs to strengthen her character, develop integrity and work to make her actions consistent with her words and have it all backed up with a strong belief she is worthy and has much to offer and the right man is worthy and will have much to offer back.

She needs to accept his vulnerability as a sign of his strength and masculinity.  A woman will resent a man who sleeps with her and then treats her like he thinks she’s a slut.  But women don’t see how when they joke about her husband being a softie or a wuss, she is doing the equivalent of slut-shaming his heart.  She is dismissing his need to express this side, dismissing part of his humanity and emasculating him.  She may think it’s cute or funny, but it is a deep assault on his masculinity and erodes respect and harbors resentment.

We need to create the environment within the relationship for him to safely express his heart. Women do not need the emotional outlet from him the way he needs it from her.  She has her girlfriends, her mother, her sisters–hell, she’ll talk about her feelings with the mom sitting next to her at Chick-Fil-A–but a man keeps his confidences and confessions close to him.  He wants to be strong to the world and wants to share his vulnerabilities and feelings in the security of his loving relationship with his partner.  This is trust to him.  It is our job to create that space where he can love us completely and be completely open.  She needs to respect his need for privacy.  Just like a woman doesn’t want her man telling all his buddies about his sexual conquests with her and how dirty she is for him, a man doesn’t want his woman spilling all his secrets and vulnerabilities with others.  That is a side of him that he reserves for the special person in his life.  He needs a woman who respects his right to privacy.

Just as a woman needs the privacy and security and protection of a trusted relationship to express her inner slut, a man needs the privacy and security of a trusted relationship to express his boundless love.

“If you love him: believe in him, encourage him and be his peace.” – Denzel Washington