Attraction,  Essay

Bad Boys Aren’t So Bad

“There’s something about a bad boy; like, if he doesn’t give a fuck, then I really want to.”

Most bad boys are not that bad. Women just make them out to be bad as a way to deny that we made bad choices. Yes, there are jerks out there who deceive and manipulate, I’m not talking about those guys. I’m not talking about abusive guys or liars. I’m talking about the men who have an undeniable, irresistible sexual energy and social presence who cannot be tamed and as a result make us feel an emotional chaos between wanting, getting and never obtaining that drives us nuts.

It’s important for women to learn how to discern if a man is using deception to have a sexual encounter, but it’s also important to know what it is that attracts us to the unavailable man so that we don’t let our sexual desire, our physical attraction outsmart our conscious decisions.

Most bad boys aren’t predatory or seeking to harm women or hurt them emotionally. Many bad boys love women and are lovers of women who want to excite them and turn them on and give them incredible pleasure and experiences while also enjoying the same.

Let’s draw a line here and call the predatory men sociopaths, or terrible people to distinguish from the “badboy” who sometimes cause us pain but the aren’t trying to cause pain, there is not that intention, it is simply a conflict between what the badboy wants and what the woman wants from him.

If anything, many bad boys love and appreciate women on a much  more authentic level than the other guys.  They just don’t want a relationship and they don’t hide or feel guilty about their desire for sex. But, because they don’t hide their desire for sex or their lack of interest in a relationship they are labeled assholes and “bad” people. (Please note that if a woman wants a no strings attached sexual encounter, she’s empowered.)

We often project our own desires and expectations onto the men we want and do not pay attention to what they say and how they act. Not everyone wants the same thing we do.  When we understand that someone else’s wants and goals are not going to be the same as ours and can accept them for themselves without trying to make them the same as us. Doing this would make us all a lot happier and suffer fewer disappointments from false expectations.

While many bad boys are often accused of lying and misleading, they rarely do. Their lack of investment translates into less lying because they don’t perceive as great a loss with rejection, so why would they invest in fabrication, persuasion, manipulation to get something they aren’t invested in? Most bad boys are up front in their words and behaviors that they do not want a committed relationship.  They will say, “Let’s just have fun,” or even, “I’m not looking for a relationship,” or even, “I’m a jerk,” or “I can be a real asshole.” When they say this, they mean it and they want you to take it or leave it.

Ladies, listen to them! They are trying to help you out.  They are being honest.  They are presenting you with their terms of the agreement.  If you do not like their terms, walk away.

Most women are ultimately disappointed or hurt by bad boys because they don’t listen to what they said and don’t accept how they behaved.

Men are not stupid.  They know that there are romantic gestures that they execute when they want to escalate a connection into a relationship.  Bad boys know how to escalate a situation into sex by exciting you and making you feel sexy and turned on.  They also know how to escalate your romantic interests by showering you with attention and affection.

Nice guys seem to shower with attention and affection and then hope that in return you will just offer sex.  They do not understand that we want them to engage our imaginations, turn us on and seduce us.  This is also why nice guys are so often terrible in bed.  If you don’t know how to seduce a woman, you don’t know how to fuck her.

Nice guys know how to execute the romantic gestures but not how to create sexual tension. Bad boys know how to do both, because the romantic gestures are easy. It’s the sexual tension, the escalation, the leading, creating the dynamic that is hard to do. Anyone can order flowers. Not everyone can make a women crave you.

Bad boys do not text you back, bring you flowers, call you to find out about your day, sit with you while you get your brakes replaced or change your oil for you because they are communicating to you that they do not want a relationship.  This is congruent with their statements that they don’t want a relationship. Their actions are lining up with their statements.  This is not a bad behavior. It’s just not the behavior YOU want.  Your expectation is not aligned with reality so you are hurt and disappointed.  That is not his fault. That is your fault.

Women waste hours of time and energy analyzing why his text was brief, why he doesn’t call and if he cares or not. He’s not texting because he doesn’t want a relationship and he’s showing you that he doesn’t want a relationship by not doing relationship building things. He probably cares about you. He probably likes you. He probably is attracted to you. But he is not building a relationship with you. So when you look at how he is when he is with you (fun, casual, interested) and compare that to how he is when he is not with you (pre-occupied, unavailable, brief) and try to make them cohesive. He likes you when he’s with you but he’s not building a relationship.

Now, if he sometimes acts as if he wants a relationship but sometimes he doesn’t, he is likely a manipulator. He is a weak, deceitful man who doesn’t feel that he can get what he wants honestly. Men like this will make half-assed romantic gestures because they feel obligated to be in a relationship with you to get sex from you.  But their interest isn’t real.  If their interest in you were genuine, you would have no doubt about his desire to be with you.  He would show you with his actions. He would behave, naturally and consistently, like someone who wants to develop something committed with you.

With bad boys, they are trying to do you a favor.  They are being up front with you and giving you the information you need to make a decision about your life.  We say men don’t pick up on subtleties? Women are equally bad at picking up on clues. Even blatant clues, because they simply choose to ignore the obvious.

Bad boys are up front because they know they can be. Because they know that women crave sex as much as they do, they know that there are plenty of women who are open to, and even seeking, the same kind of relationship for fun and no pressure and no strings attached as they are.  When two parties agree to the same scenario, it can be fun and empowering and low stress.   It’s when one person is dishonest about their intentions or when someone does not accept the other person’s statements about their intentions as truth and then lies to themselves to build hope for something that isn’t available that people get hurt.

So when someone tells you about what they want or who they are, believe them. Contrary to common sayings that people are often dishonest at the beginning of relationships, only insecure manipulators are dishonest at the beginning and they will be dishonest throughout.  Many people are very honest at the beginning because they aren’t yet invested in anything they fear losing.  When someone tells you the truth about who they are, believe them and then decide if you can live with that or not.  If you can’t, but you still choose to stay with them, then all your pain is self inflicted.

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