blog,  Essay

Seven Things A Five Year Old Boy Taught Me About Men

Some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned about men have come from raising my five year old son. These are the top seven.

1. He’s not going to change.

There may be some slight differences, but barring any major trauma, at their core, they are pretty much the same kind of man at 5 that they are going to be at 50. Their experiences shape how they might express or protect themselves. But a thoughtful, quiet boy will probably be a thoughtful, introspective man. And a rowdy boy will likely be a boisterous, energetic man. So if you think you’re going to make him more outgoing, less rowdy, more talkative … it’s not just going to be hard, it’s going to be impossible.

2. He is happy when you are happy.

If you are around or on his mind, almost everything he does is for the purpose of making you proud or making you happy.

3. He wants to make a mark on the world and also break stuff.

If you aren’t around, almost everything he does is simply to see what kind of effect his actions have on the world and most of these experiments result in either creating something or destroying something. He doesn’t get too attached to the outcome (unless he is doing it for you, see #2) he just wants to see the outcome. The rest is just details.

4. He uses his body, not words, to express his feelings.

Sometimes he needs to be physically rough to sort out his thoughts or feelings. He doesn’t want to talk it out, he wants to sweat it out. He actually might store his feelings in his muscle and need to shake them loose or pound them out to sort out what he wants to do or how he feels. Banging into something or someone in sports or pushing their muscles to the limits relaxes them and gives them clarity. Roughhousing, physical sports, falling, pushing himself too hard … these are necessary for balance. And when he’s a grown man, he’s going to want to have crazy sex from time to time, especially if he really likes you. Your body can handle it. Your body will probably like it too.

5. There are two things (non sexual) he really needs to be able to do with his favorite woman.

And he prefers to do it privately, when it’s just the two of you. He doesn’t really want you talking about it all the time, but if it’s just you two, these are top of his list: snuggle and be silly.

6. He doesn’t know how NOT to be protective of you.

You don’t have to teach men to be protective of someone they love, they just are. My 5 year old 45 pound son tried to take on a 6’3″ 250 pound man.

7. They really do enjoy things that most girls find gross.

Stinky smells, dirty places, not bathing: these are all totally cool with boys. This is a good thing as far as men go because they will devour you sexually whether you are dirty, menstruating or sweaty and will love you in places you sometimes want to pretend don’t exist, but this will make you feel completely adored.


  • Katie Paul

    I love this – especially #7. My boyfriend loves it when I’m a bit manky.
    By the way — is that your photo because it’s technically gorgeous (speaking as a photographer).

  • Rod Thorn

    8. He also introduced you to the not so gentle art of treading on razor blades and glass when you go to see the English teacher who wrote on his essay, unimaginative and lacks dicipline. You are hoping it is a very big person,so it will take a long time carving them up.

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