Dating Advice,  Essay,  Humor

Boyfriend Box

What do you do when you break up with a guy and he’s still got stuff at your house?  It depends on how much stuff and how the break up went, but you’ve just got to get rid of it.  Don’t keep it around for sentimental value because you know the sentiment you will feel when you see it? Anger.  You don’t need that.  Get rid of it!

Unless it’s something like his car or his passport, just get rid of it. That’s the price of a relationship, you lose your sunglasses, a T shirt, toiletries, etc.  Tough luck buddy, you also lost an amazing girl but way to focus on the crap you got from the drug store!  I might be projecting a tad here.

So you have some options:

1. Sell His Stuff in a Boyfriend Box

Even better! Sell his stuff!  His loss is your gain!  Put all that crap in a Boyfriend Box and sell it!  A boyfriend box is a mystery box that you sell on eBay filled with your ex-boyfriends stuff. Don’t show the stuff in it, just give a few clues and let the bidding begin! It could be a fun find for someone else! Don’t put crap like underwear, toothbrush or deodorant in there.  Throw that away.  The boyfriend box should include cool stuff that another dude might want or that a broke girlfriend could give to her broke college boyfriend an it would result in a pretty good surprise!

Here’s an example from a “friend.”  Ahem.

“Boyfriend box. 6″ tall, 180 lbs, size 11 shoe. Surfer.  Pompous. Liked name-brand fishing and beach gear.  Bidding starts at $1.”

You might make enough money for a new red lipstick for your next date!

Boyfriend Box - Kitten Holiday
Boyfriend Box – Kitten Holiday

 

2. Throw his stuff away, just like he threw away 3 amazing years (or months, or weeks, whatever details.)

What if his stuff doesn’t sell? Well, use your judgement on the value of his stuff and the circumstances.  If he makes no attempt to arrange getting his things, then he doesn’t care.  Don’t pretend he cares about his T-shirt or toothbrush or deodorant.  Or if it is low value, like him, throw it away.

In the trash, it’s just garbage. Throw it in the dumpster. There is nothing that erodes dignity after a break up like digging out your ex boyfriend’s boxers from the trash to look at them one more time.  Don’t leave that window open. Throw his stuff in the tallest, stinkiest dumpster you can find and then forget about it.

3. Set it on fire and dance around it naked.

We are in the presence of genius.

Break up text
Break up text

4. Go on the Jimmy Kimmel Show and give it to him in front of everyone.

(Disclaimer, you have to be Sarah Silverman to pull this off.)

Please note Sarah follows the first rule of How To Break Up which also applies in this situation:

1. Look hot as hell!

 

The Most Important Rule: Don’t Meet!

Whatever you do, don’t “meet” to exchange “stuff.”  We all know that after a break up, despite all your self-deception, the only think you will end up exchanging when you meet after a break-up is bodily fluids, angry words or both.  The only people reading this and shaking their heads in disagreement are the people who have a pile of their exes crap sitting next to them and want to find a reason to see him or her again.

Don’t think I’m not on to you!

We’ve all had those awkward meetings with an ex where when we seen them, either by arrangement or accident, we want them with our bodies and want them dead with our minds. We are screaming at ourselves behind an uncomfortable smile,  “Don’t fold! Don’t fall for his eyes! He’s a jerk, remember?”

A charming smile can make you lose all your resolve, so I prefer to give back the shit in absentia!

It’s time to move on! Do it with flair.

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