Desire gives our lives meaning and purpose. Wanting something, or someone, gives our life the spark and push we need to work through the hard parts, wake up in the morning, get excited. Desire is the ignition for everything we care about.
We may think having all our needs and desires met at the snap of our fingers would make us happy and fulfilled but the truth is it would make you bored and miserable. We would have to find something new to strive for. We would desire a new desire.
Too often we think that achieving our goal is what gives us satisfaction. In fact we take the most pleasure in seeking our goal, getting closer, feeling the anticipation or reaching it. The actual excitement of the accomplishment is short lived. What now? We are stumped. Until we find a new object of our desire, we feel a little displaced and purposeless, maybe even a little depressed.
Our hormones have collapsed. We got a hit of dopamine and now it’s gone. Bummer.
Satisfaction is boring. What is worse than shopping for someone who has everything? Being someone who has everything. Fulfillment is the death of desire and since desire is the fire that fuels you life, you do not want to tamper that flame with fulfillment. This all makes sense, doesn’t it? But you aren’t here for business advice, you are here to understand the quirks of your sexual nature that trip you up and leave you frustrated. So, here it is:
Stop Making Sex Your Goal
They key to attraction and keeping desire alive is to focus not on the end-goal, but on thrilling path of arousal that gets you to sex. The flirtations, the teasing, the anticipation: these are the instruments of desire. But we focus on the goal. We want sex. And when we have sex, we want to finish. And when we finish, desire is gone, the ecstasy is short lived and we turn our backs on each other and get back to work. Only when our bodies start to build with horniness again do we start to crave each other and tease and tempt. Soon, this routine gets old.
This is why your relationships die. When you satisfy yourself and your partner you kill desire. The realization of your lust through sex is the death of your desire. If desire is life, then you are dead, temporarily, until you are filled again with desire.
In French, the orgasm is called the petite morte which translates to “the little death.” I used to think this was because an orgasm can feel like an out of body, perhaps deathlike experience. I don’t think this anymore. I now see the orgasm as the death of desire. The craving for release, the passion to please, the hunt and the chase of seduction, the submission, the uncertainty is all over at orgasm. And you lay there, completely fulfilled, thinking nothing at all, wanting nothing at all, fully satisfied. You have finished. It is over.
I’m not going to tell you to seek out multiple partners or to withhold sex from your partner. That is stupid and will make you miserable in a different way. I’m telling you to stop making sex and orgasm your goal–especially if you are a man.
Yes, you have the sex drive and the urge to get off. You want your woman in a sexual way, you think about it and you want to convince her to have sex with you. You are making sex the goal. But when you make sex the goal, then you achieve it, what do you have? Boredom, routine, predictability. Before you know it you are like roommates with a sex date, and when that gets difficult to coordinate you have yourself, alone in front of a computer screen, searching for kinky, provocative porn to ignite your lusty desires.
So what do you do? How do you keep the fire alive? This has been asked a million times and answered with artifice: date nights, note cards, vacations, boring boring boring! What a chore!
Resolve this by thinking differently. Orgasm is a desire killer, however it is necessary to suffer temporary relief from desire. Your orgasm is a temporary relief from desire. Temporary. It is the outlier, the side effect, the necessary evil your body sustains to keep you healthy. It is not the goal. Burn that in your brain.
You see the problem is that you think you want sex. You think you want to fulfill your desire by getting off. Your mind is focused on an achievable goal that leaves you empty. Change your focus so that your goal is making your partner constantly horny, making her squirm with thoughts of you, filling her with desire.
We like sex, but what makes us feel alive is desire. It’s the teasing, the anticipation, the longing, the wanting and the fantasizing that makes our hearts pound and our sex organs swell and drip with life. Focus on that. Make your relationship a playful, uncertain, exciting journey focused on wanting not on getting.
What is the goal? To burn with desire, to be yearning and longing and especially, to keep your partner yearning and longing. Don’t make your focus having sex with her. Your focus should be keeping her constantly wanting, constantly desiring you (with intermittent orgasmic relief by necessity). Keep arousal, excitement, wanting and longing as the goal, not sex and your relationship will be revitalized, your heart will pump with lusty red blood. You will be motivated by a wanting for passion instead of a needing for release. Keep that fire lit!