Men claim all day long they don’t like to date “psycho bitches” or “crazy women” and that they “don’t want drama.” It’s on almost all their dating profiles; “no drama.”
This is a big fat lie. This is as big a lie as the women who “want a sensitive, nice guy.”
Our actions reveal more than our words, especially when our words are BS! We may not WANT to desire the badboy or the crazy bitch because we know that doing so will bring us pain and frustration and yet time and again we are caught up in the same old patterns.
There are factors in our psyche or biology that drive us to desire attributes that our intellectual selves would highly discourage! It’s not the crazy that we seek, it’s the side courses that go along with crazy.
(Keep in mind I”m not talking about actual mental illness, although that can play a role at times.)
For men who date crazy women, it can be more than one reason:
Damsels in Distress
A woman in crisis appeals to a man’s desire to be perceived as “the hero.” If he can resolve her problem, he will feel needed and accomplished. She may put on a big show of thanks which will feed his ego. The damsel in distress speaks to a deep part of a man’s nature to defend and protect. A woman in constant crisis, little dramas, or even a big drama she needs to be rescued from will feed his hero drive like an adrenaline or dopamine kick. For all the frustration and inconveniences she may bring he also gets a matching hit of success. It feels good to be the hero.
Need to Be Needed
Women want to be wanted and men need to be needed. A woman who does not have all her ducks in a row is going to need someone to help. What better way to reinforce his feeling of success than to be able to help someone? Especially when the fruits of your efforts are clearly displayed. About to lose your car? I’ll cover that payment! Cant’ pay your rent? Move in with me! Often the desire to help is coming from a truly good place. The problem is that, like anyone who has ever loaned a friend money, there are invisible strings that can make you want to kick your generous tendencies in the backside.
Add to this the fact that many men, as a rule, no longer feel needed in their relationships and you will see how they can be more drawn to the hot mess train wreck. Our culture celebrates the independent woman who doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t need him for protection, support, financial assistance, emotional comfort or even sexual pleasure. These are all taken care of with her self defense class, strong police force, community support, credit cards, tribe of besties and the vibrating, rotating fourteen speed sex toy in her bedside table. As a result, a part of his natural need to be needed goes unfulfilled. The little ways we used to allow ourselves to need and want each other in a healthy relationship have been abandoned in favor of valuing independence, emotional distance, and autonomy. If we give no fucks then someone out there is going to get no fucks.
Men are most vulnerable to getting caught up with a drama queen after a relationship when he felt especially unneeded or ignored. Her crises, demands and moods, while agitating, also make him feel very needed. She can’t live without him! Look what a mess she is! She’s always calling! After being ignored, being made to feel unnecessary or a nuisance in a loveless and sexless marriage or long term relationship, it can be intoxicating to get caught up with a very needy, demanding crazy woman. The lows are low but the highs are high. After years of an emotional flatline, the roller coaster is a thrill!
Playing the Victim
Women aren’t the only damsels in distress. Some men like to have the crazy girlfriend because she gets him off the hook. His motivation isn’t the same as hers though, he doesn’t’ want to be rescued, he wants to be left alone. With someone else to blame, he’s off the hook.
For starters, no matter how big an ass he is, he feels justified if she also behaves badly, especially if her behavior is worse or can be spun as worse than his. He called her a bitch in front of his friends? Well did you hear she keyed his car? If he’s inclined to run his mouth it behooves him to be with someone who looks like she might deserve it.
A crazy bitch can also be used as an excuse to get out of responsibilities. If everyone knows she’s a bad bitch they will anticipate he will be going to her rescue instead of fulfilling other responsibilities. Doesn’t feel up for helping his buddy move? Her fault, some drama. Always late meeting friends? He blames her. Must not be him. Going to her rescue (real or fabricated) still makes him feel important while giving him the opportunity to cop-out of less fulfilling activities when he wants to.
Being a good partner is a lot of work, but if she cheated or can’t keep a job, or is a bitch to his friends, or whatever bad behavior she has, he can use that to his own advantage both with her and in general. If she cheated then his indiscretions are now justified. If she can’t keep a job, he can hold that against her to win an argument or to limit her actions. If she’s a bitch to his friends, he can use that to go out with them alone or even to cancel last-minute if he isn’t up for a night out. It is all very convenient. He can get lazy, impulsive, lose his self-restraint, be selfish and he has a reason now, an excuse. It’s her fault!
Crazy Women are Great in Bed
The final answer and one of the biggest reasons men go for crazy women is they are great in bed! Let’s face it, part of what makes a crazy bitch crazy is her lack of self-restraint. She may be moved more by her emotions than logic. Like the man who desires her, she is impulsive and gives in to pleasure and excitement. If that is happening in the bedroom (or outside it) she will be all that and more. A cautious woman will protect herself emotionally, sexually and physically from the unknown until she is certain. A wild woman will jump in, get swept up, get caught in a moment. What a thrill! Feeding her emotions with immediate gratification can be a lot of fun for the horny man looking to get his rocks off. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a restraining order.