Don't Ask For Permission

Relationships are dying. Passion is dying. Seduction is dying.  Men are turning to porn and robots for sexual fulfillment. Women are turning to romance books and vibrators.  And both are opting out of relationships entirely.

It’s just become too much trouble to deal with the opposite sex. We’ve become enemies. We resent instead of appreciate each other. It’s horrible!  We are completely out of touch with our nature, our sexuality and each other.

We have more options for sexuality and sexual expression these days as taboos have been destroyed, boundaries demolished and limits eradicated. And yet, for the most part, we are sexually unfulfilled. Even in relationships we are seeking something else outside of it to make us feel fulfilled.  Whether the other outlet is another person, a fantasy, a fleshlight or a rabbit vibrator, we’ve come to expect that our sexual fulfillment will not come from our sexual partner.  What a tragedy!

And yet we are desperately wanting these things in our lives, but do not know how to find or create them.

I’ve already written about how it is the man’s responsibility to create the sexual environment in the relationship. The man should be the driver sexually. If you disagree here, feel free to post your idiotic opinions in the comments. I won’t read them because I don’t care because you are wrong.

Men are the sexual drivers because women are naturally sexually submissive.  This is true for healthy adults.  If you have suffered and not dealt with a sexual trauma or are not heterosexual, this post is not for you. Please find another blog that will address your needs.  This blog isn’t about you.

Women are sexually submissive and 99% of our sexuality is in our minds.  The entire premise of seduction is to balance providing a sense of security with an ever increasing sense of excitement and arousal for a woman. This is sexual tension. When her mind is fully engaged and has submitted to the arousal and to a man’s sexual expression, she is ready to be fucked.

Most virtue is a demand for greater seduction.” —Natalie Clifford Barney

The easiest way for a man to ruin the mood is to ask a woman for her permission.  Can I hold your hand? Can I kiss you? If you ask a woman these things, you have effectively ruined the mood to such an extent that she will likely be angry and resentful.  Whether she shows it or not, on some level she will be disgusted with you. And instead of her sexual tension being taught around a sense of excitement and desire, she will feel anxious about the disconnect between her previous desire for you and her current lack of trust in your leadership and that nagging feeling in her stomach that you might be completely repulsive to her.

This is exactly what consent culture, “rape culture” and the new feminism is insisting on.  It is demanding that men abandon their masculinity, castrate themselves in their journey for sexual expression.  It is demanding that women deny their feminine sexual nature and take over control, thereby obliterating their chances for sexual satisfaction with another human.

It is creating a massive amount of confusion between men and women on their sexuality, pleasure, dating and seduction. It’s robbing an entire generation of the thrill of seduction and romance.  No wonder sex is becoming impersonal and both men and women are opting out. With so many differences in interests and communication, often sex is the one place where it’s easy to get it right, if you pay attention and are responsive. But now, even sex is getting ruined.

In our current culture marked by sexual shame and fear we are destroying romance and seduction.  It’s sad. Many of us are lonely and unfulfilled because we crave an outlet to express our passions but find either closed doors, ridicule or attack when once we found beating hearts, excitement and bellies full of butterflies.  Thus we turn to artificial arousal, solo masturbation, or participate in highly orchestrated sexual charades that create a sense of danger or provide unlimited novelty.  All while completely missing the mark sexually in our romantic relationships.

One area of seduction men struggle with these days is in initiating sexual contact.  There are two moments in a sexual relationship that stand out as the most intense and most memorable.  The first kiss and the moment of first penetration. Yet instead of celebrating these moments of excitement and hope our culture of fear and shame has turned these magical moments in to hotbeds of anxiety and nervousness. We’ve stripped them of passion and replaced it with sexual due process.

Even writing this post makes me nervous as I know there will be some who misinterpret my words and take offense to the hypothesis that a man should not ask for verbal permission from a woman before escalating to the next step sexually, when to me this is one of the most obvious and natural, even wonderful, aspects of our sexual nature.

Am I saying that men should just throw themselves on women without their consent? NO I AM NOT. But I’m sure some of you  morons will only take that from this article because you want to be upset because getting upset is the only real arousal you have anymore.  I can’t stop you from getting excited at the opportunity for offense, but please, don’t embarrass yourself by sharing your low-level of reading comprehension in my comments. This is your time to close out the browser before reading more.

You see, women do not want to be responsible for sex. In a healthy sexual relationship, the man will take responsibility for the timing, the nature, the duration, the intensity and the creativity of the sexual act. His sexual leading will naturally reflect his desire to give her pleasure and for the event to be mutually fulfilling. This is how it is supposed to be.  A healthy, mature man will seek the pleasure of his woman as much as, and often more than his own pleasure.  So to assume he would try escalate without her non-verbal consent, without her willingness is evidence of more confusion about male sexuality.  Male sexual pleasure and arousal with a partner is linked and for many, dependent on the pleasure and willingness of a partner.

I am not saying that women do not want to be willing, excited, responsive, enthusiastic partners. We do! We are! But when it comes to initiating and escalating, it is best when the man is in charge of that and takes responsibility for that.  It is important that the man leads the sexual side of the relationship and not the other way around. When a woman is in charge sexually, she is tapping into her masculine side and evoking feminine reactions in the man. While we are all a mix of masculine and feminine traits when it comes to passionate sex, it is the ultimate expression of our masculine (for men) and feminine (for women) cores.

For this reason, asking permission overtly, is the biggest mistake you can make when seducing a woman.  When you ask her, you put all the responsibility for the decision in her hands.  You put her in charge.  You basically hand her your balls and your masculine energy and ask her to be in charge.  When she is feeling feminine and sexy and aroused, this is an affront to her nature and is repulsive. It feeds her tendency to be controlling and taps and invites her anxiety to participate.  Feeling anxious is not sexy.

It’s such a turn off that my stomach is rolling just writing this. Heterosexual feminine women are drawn to masculine energy. We are aroused by your manly nature that takes charge, makes decisions, takes action and holds yourself responsible for the consequences.  We submit to your lead, knowing that our pleasure, our protection and our best outcome is in your charge.  If we trust and respect you, we would have no reason to believe otherwise.

Women are story tellers. We get caught up in a story and we get caught up telling a story. The entire essence of romance and seduction is sweeping a woman off her feet, making her let go of the weight of the world and be carried, emotionally, sexually into a place of euphoria and security.

Men don’t care about romance, far as I can tell. They want to be respected and admired. They want to have their peace and their freedoms. They want to express their desire sexually with a beautiful, sexy woman who is responsive to his lust and passion.  But he doesn’t need seduction and persuasion. His sexual release isn’t dependent on him “letting go” but instead on him “giving forth.”

When you are with a woman and you want to kiss her, you are the driver.  You make sure the road is safe, you ensure you are in a quality vehicle and then you kiss her.  That’s it. Just fucking kiss her!

For a woman, when you are with a man, it is your job to ensure he is trustworthy! Verify his character, his honor and his trustworthiness!
Don’t invite her for a ride then hand her the keys! Stress and pressure impede the female orgasm. So does making decisions along the way.
Women, don’t get in the car with a man who has exhibited no signs of being capable of driving!

Well, how do you know if she wants to be kissed? If you pay attention to a woman, she will give you non-verbal clues until you are 80% sure.  We love for you to pay attention to us.  In fact, attention is one of our biggest turn ons.  We want you to notice us and our reactions. We want to feel special and your attention contributes to us feeling special to you. And for the last 20% you can either wait the rest of your life wanting a guarantee that will kill all romance or you can just go for it.  You’ve got to take chances. 80% certainty is about as much certainty as you can ever expect, in anything.

Whats the worst that could happen? If you kiss me and I don’t want it? What will happen? I might pull away. I might turn my cheek. Some women might slap you. These women are ridiculously dramatic but I know they exist. It might be awkward.  Oooh big deal. You’re awkward! You’re embarrassed!  Honey if you can’t handle an awkward or embarrassing moment, you aren’t ready to date because they happen, more than the movies will tell you!

If your ego is so fragile it can not survive the momentary rejection of a beautiful woman, then you should not be dating, you should be working on yourself and building your self-esteem.

Again, I’m talking about the 20% of uncertainty. I’m not suggesting you kiss women randomly or without any seduction.  I am talking about when you have been given non-verbal clues that she is responsive to your attention, she is expressing her willingness to be with you, be close to you, submit to your leadership in small actions (you planned the date and she is following your lead by going to the restaurant of your choosing, sitting in the chair you pull out for her, perhaps drinking the brand of wine you suggest).  A woman’s responsiveness to you is a sign of her interest and ability to submit.  Her body language, her demeanor are all things that you can pay attention to that will bring you to the 80% confidence that your kiss will be received eagerly.

Dating and seduction are like partner dancing. If you have never learned how to partner dance, find a class. Learning to dance will teach you a lot about masculine and feminine energy, how to lead and what it feels like to have a responsive partner.  Once you know what signs to look for in a responsive partner, you will never waste your time with a competitive, controlling, demanding masculine woman.

In partner dancing, the man leads and the woman follows his lead, not in imitation, but in tandem, in a complimentary fashion.  She is responsive to his lead.  With a gentle touch on her lower back, he signals a desire to pull her close and dip her. Pressing his palm firmly beneath her shoulder blades she knows he intends to push her out into a spin under their arms.  It’s beautiful and graceful when they work in unison.  Not only that, but the dance is often designed to highlight her beauty, to get her caught up in the moment, to relieve her of the responsibility of making decisions so she can react to his creativity and float on air.

If she has on a beautiful dress, the sequins will glint in the light. The panels on the skirt will flow out like waves when she twirls. The length of her neck, the delicacy of her arms will be on display making her feel beautiful and feminine.  It is his doing. His creativity and direction in the dance is making her look and feel all the more beautiful. He is the sturdy base from which she twirls and dips with glee.  It’s elating for the woman. It is sensual. And the more familiar the woman is with her partner and the subtle signs he gives, the more fluid the dance.  Also the more practiced and perceptive the man is at dancing, the better he can plan the dance, moment by moment.  The more in tune he is with her, how she dances, when the movements make her glow in joy, the better he can highlight her beauty in motion.

Everything is better when you are in sync. He leads through his touch and his heart, being constantly aware of their placement in the world (room) and how to navigate around obstacles. The more obstacles, the closer they hold each other. The more space available, the farther they can move out and express themselves in bigger movements, but they still stay in rhythm and know where the other is moving. In their grandest moments, his strength is the foundation; her flexibility and style is the beauty.

He wouldn’t try to dip her when she is at the end of a spin, their bodies on opposite sides of their extended arms, would he? That would be reckless, dangerous. He wouldn’t throw his arm down to pull her by the shoulder into a dip because that would make her fall and embarrass her. His pleasure in dancing is inextricably tied to the pleasure he is giving her in moving her body with the music and highlighting her beauty and grace.  It would embarrass them both if he made her look bad. It would make him feel and look like a failure.

He also wouldn’t let go and insist that she dip herself.  He knows that she needs him. She can not feel the elation of a dip without the knowledge that he is holding her safely and she can let go and fall into it. She’s counting on him.

How does she know he will even dip her? She doesn’t. That is her uncertainty. She can hope, but if she demands a dip, she robs him of his pleasure in leading the dance. They will become tense and out of sync. She has broken the bond. She can not dip herself. She needs his arm to hold her. She can learn to do a backbend, just like she can masturbate with a vibrator. But it’s not the same. It doesn’t compare.

“The essence of romance is uncertainty.”Oscar Wilde

Anticipating and creating the moment for that first kiss is the same as dancing and finding the right moment for the dip.  If you ask permission, you aren’t dancing. If she dips herself, you aren’t dancing. If she demands a dip, you aren’t dancing.

It’s the same with the kiss. When you ask permission, you put all responsibility for it on her. It is her decision. It is her weight to carry. It is in her hands how to proceed, what kind of kiss to offer and when. It’s the same as getting in the car, starting down the road then removing your hands and saying, “you drive.”  You have handed her the masculine energy, invited anxiety, limited her ability to let go and surrender to you and ruined the passion.  You might as well just go slam dancing and hope you get off by the random flailing of your bodies, which is, frankly, how some of you fuck anyway, to be honest.

Men, learn to lead. Women learn to respond and submit.  Get in touch with your feminine and masculine nature and let your fucking be filled with fireworks of sweaty passion instead of conversations about what goes where and who has signed off.

 

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20 thoughts on “Don't Ask For Permission

  1. Great post, I agree with everything you’ve written here; I’ve certainly found it to be true in my life.

    But reflecting on this reality for my son, who is soon to attend college, is a source of worry for me. Your passage, “…a man should not ask for verbal permission from a woman before escalating to the next step sexually, … to me this is one of the most obvious and natural, even wonderful, aspects of our sexual nature” is one I want to communicate to him but how to do so when this action has now taken on an air of criminality?

    This is from the “enough is enough” New York state statute, which applies to all students of State University of New York campuses:”Affirmative consent is a knowing, voluntary, and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent can be given by words or actions, as long as those words or actions create clear permission regarding willingness to engage in the sexual activity. Silence or lack of resistance, in and of itself, does not demonstrate consent.”

    It’s a real conundrum to advise him to do things that will make him successful with women, to have him lead a happier life, and to have happier women around him when those very activities probably put him at greater risk of sexual assault charges.

    1. I’m no lawyer, but here’s what I think. In this environment, there is the expectation of verbal consent before sex and it has come to the stage where it nearly needs to be both verbal and written consent.

      So, in my opinion, the escalating, teasing and seduction I describe includes the behaviors that do not include oral or penetrative sex. I would tell my own son, don’t ask to hold her hand, don’t ask to kiss her. Just as he would not ask to pull out her chair, pay for her movie ticket. He would do these things out of his desire to give her a pleasant experience, to show her he admires her and is pleased she is sharing her time with him.

      When it comes to sex, I believe this applies even to older daters but definitely younger college age kids. They are just having sex too fast and they are doing it not as a result of an escalated arousal due to seduction but due to reduced inhibitions due to alcohol.

      So, I would first say, don’t rush it. Anticipation is the best aphrodisiac. Use that to their advantage. There are a lot of really fun, exciting, pleasing things to do before getting to the point of sex.

      The next thing I would say is by the time sex is a possibility, they should be talking about it openly. So, if they have the self-restraint to not go from first kiss to sex in the first date, not only will they be more excited to get it on, but also they will be more certain and excited about their decision.

      Talking about sex, having sexy conversations, is not a turn off. Asking for permission or putting the decision fully in her court IS a turn off. But they can talk about how great it would feel, what they like. He can talk dirty about all the ways he wants to touch her. Not only does this escalate arousal, it also informs them and gives them an opportunity to talk about preferences.

      Women’s sexuality is very mental, so talking about sex (it doesn’t even have to be raunchy) will turn her on even more.

      “I would love to touch you like this, would you like that?”
      “I can’t wait to taste you, does that turn you on?”

      These are ways to talk about sex in a seductive, escalating way without transferring the responsibility to her. She always has the opportunity to say no, or even to say, “I’m not sure if I would like that.” and from there he can adjusts, slow down, talk about something else.

      There is also something called a yes ladder that is well known both in business and in pick up. I won’t go into it here but basically pleasing questions that lead to a yes answer create comfort, intimacy and agreement.

      Beyond that, the biggest thing that protects kids in this litigious environment is to not have sex under the influence. It clouds their judgment. Seduction is a process of making a woman feel both secure and excited. Alcohol reduces her desire for security while increasing her desire for excitement. So, it negates the need for seduction. But that also opens up a lot of risk because the man has not done the work in establishing the environment where she trusts him to share her body. The alcohol has obliterated her concern for trust.

      So, while we all agree that getting behind the wheel when intoxicated could lead to ending your life, someone elses, going to jail, a dangerous accident. We need to also impress upon the youth (and ourselves) that initiating sexual contact with a new partner while intoxicated invites those exact same risks.

      1. Great article. You described exactly what I want. But as a very strong, independent female, that is VERY hard to find. And I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I would LOVE to be in a relationship that women now consider oppressive of whatever bullshit they call it. I want to be with a man who is my man! I make so many bid decisions all day, I want him to make some for me. Kinda how I’ll decide what he’s eating for dinner.
        And nothing dries up my vagina like “Can I kiss you” or “Do you wanna have sex?” Ugg.
        If you want to have sex with me, perhaps try, I dunno, maybe touching me, kissing me, getting a closer to me, you’ll be surprised how quickly that will make me want it.
        But it’s more than that too, I want HIM to hold down certain aspects of our life, and me, others. I’m reliable, and expect the same.
        Even us girls with big fancy jobs that don’t need shit from anyone sometimes just wanna ride her man’s dick, pull his hair and call him Daddy! ?

      2. Great article. You described exactly what I want. But as a very strong, independent female, that is VERY hard to find. And I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I would LOVE to be in a relationship that women now consider oppressive of whatever bullshit they call it. I want to be with a man who is my man! I make so many bid decisions all day, I want him to make some for me. Kinda how I’ll decide what he’s eating for dinner.
        And nothing dries up my vagina like “Can I kiss you” or “Do you wanna have sex?” Ugg.
        If you want to have sex with me, perhaps try, I dunno, maybe touching me, kissing me, getting a closer to me, you’ll be surprised how quickly that will make me want it.
        But it’s more than that too, I want HIM to hold down certain aspects of our life, and me, others. I’m reliable, and expect the same.
        Even us girls with big fancy jobs that don’t need shit from anyone sometimes just wanna ride her man’s dick, pull his hair and call him Daddy! ?

  2. Interesting post. A lot I agreed with, have thought about, and a bit that has challenged my thinking of relationships and my position in that relationship… I know I love dancing with a man who leads, gliding across the dance floor rather than me stumbling over his and my own feet. In a relationship and the bedroom. Well, I can see both sides. I used to be with a romantic, soft man and didnt like it, went the opposite, got heart broken, now Im with a guy who is both romantic and leads at times. But i think cause I was brought up so independent I’ve always challenged the feminine and actually allowing myself to be that way has been a long journey!

    1. It does take a lot of untangling, doesn’t it? We do want to feel strong but we need that balance and there aren’t many positive examples on how to keep it. Thanks for reading! I’m following you now and look forward to getting to know you better!

  3. I feel you have established a credible foundation where many will find a common ground and you did build on that to bring your point to the forefront. I just love how you mixed metaphors and grabbed the reader by the throat and shook them a little to bring them back to the subject. In the past, I was afraid you were writing more from your point of view – Kitten Holiday -, that risked alienating people, but this post definitely brought me to believe you are speaking to all people and that you are offering a throwback to how both women and men are. I guess I always had that understanding in my mind, but you wrote it in a way that gave me an “a-ha” moment where I found truth in many of your points. I both enjoyed and reflected my own situation reading your post. Thank you!

  4. Spot on. The uncertainty of a first date, first kiss, etc is what makes it exciting and challenging. I wouldn’t want to be 100% sure about a first kiss. How boring would that be? I want a challenge, and the feeling that I am seducing or charming her into wanting that first kiss. Confidence is attractive, and I enjoy taking that chance.

  5. Love this. So sad that there is no definition to a relationship anymore. Men and women alike have fear of commitment and all to often opt out because as you stated there are way to many Options. Who needs a relationship when you can have anything at your finger tips. I by nature am a lover. I am romantic and passionate and I love pleasing my man. I am very submisive and wait for the man to take the lead. That’s how it should be. I could go on for days about how women dress so it leaves nothing to the imagination. So many avenues here. It all makes me sick. I would love to time travel back to the days of fidelity and and commitment and marriage. Thanks for the good read. I am glad someone sees it the way I do.

  6. Love this. So sad that there is no definition to a relationship anymore. Men and women alike have fear of commitment and all to often opt out because as you stated there are way to many Options. Who needs a relationship when you can have anything at your finger tips. I by nature am a lover. I am romantic and passionate and I love pleasing my man. I am very submisive and wait for the man to take the lead. That’s how it should be. I could go on for days about how women dress so it leaves nothing to the imagination. So many avenues here. It all makes me sick. I would love to time travel back to the days of fidelity and and commitment and marriage. Thanks for the good read. I am glad someone sees it the way I do.

  7. Very well said. Are people really so socially retarded these days that they can’t tell whether someone wants sex without asking verbal permission every step of the way? I suspect it’s rather fear of lawsuits, which is even sadder, but girls today seem to feel they’re entitled to be more mercurial than wet cats.

  8. Wow, you’re a great writer and you’re a woman who understands the meaning of the red pill. You’ve got a new reader.

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