It Doesn’t Matter If You’re A Little Ugly

Dear men, most of you are kind of ugly, but it’s okay. It doesn’t matter that you’re ugly. For the most part, men are not beautiful. Do we agree? I may be alone in this, but I find very few men to be beautiful. When I do find them pretty, I can appreciate them for their beauty but I am not attracted to them and certainly not attracted because of their beauty.  Chiseled men with smooth skin are like sculpture, nice to look at but a complete bore to talk to.

But does anyone really care? I don’t. Personally I prefer my men a little ugly. I like the roughened hands, the scars, the steady gaze.  For me, and for all women (yeah, I’ll make that generalization. Maybe people will start commenting if I’m not careful not to generalize. ha) looks really don’t matter when it comes to our men.  Sure, we may prefer taller and health is very attractive no matter what your gender or sexual orientation; we are all attracted to youthful vigor and health more often than not. But for women, our desire for a man has very little to do with his looks and more to do with his sexual energy.

His sexual energy is a combination of how he carries himself, his personality and the things that have shaped him.

Above all else we are attracted to men who we respect, who have self-respect. We are drawn to men who hold themselves with confidence, exude a sense of security and self-determination. He has charisma.

For me consistency between word and action is one of the most attractive traits in a man. It reassures me that I can count on him.  Another attractive trait is a principled man who stands by his values and doesn’t compromise just to avoid conflict or keep the peace.  He can be convinced through healthy debate as he isn’t a tyrant, but without compelling evidence, he won’t be bullied, shamed or seduced into changing his mind.

If you look at the men who are deemed most attractive, you will find few similarities.  They will have masculine traits showing high testosterone like broad shoulders, square jaw and be taller on average but that’s where the similarities end.

You’ve got men with round faces like Leonardo DiCaprio who has gotten more attractive as he’s aged out of his babyface. Brad Pitt with his terrible skin, Richard Gere with his long face and small eyes, Steve McQueen who gets hotter the more wrinkled and ragged he looks.

I suspect the airbrushed, pretty boy models aren’t really for the ladies to look at, if you catch my drift. No judgment here, I’m just trying to explain why, when it comes down to getting skin on sheets, you can’t predict a man’s success with women based on his looks alone. I’m trying to explain why Julia Roberts would fall in love with Lyle Lovett. Why Heidi Klum fell in love with Seal.

You see, if a man won’t stand up for himself, how can I expect him to stand up for me? I’m small, I’m weak, I’m fearful. I may need protection. And if he won’t stick to his decisions, even when challenged, how can I expect him to stick with me? I’m difficult, I will challenge him. I’m stubborn. If he gives in every time I pick a fight, I’ll imagine he’s that way with everyone, a pushover, a doormat.  If he will sacrifice his values, his dignity and his pride just to make peace with me, someone who loves him, what will he sacrificed to an actual opponent, everything? This is where nice guys lose out. They are appeasing, supplicating. They may be nice, but at what cost? They aren’t nice to themselves. They are always losing out. When we are with a man we love we become an extension of him. If he’s always giving in, groveling, sacrificing his wants and needs, he’s likely to sacrifice ours as well. Aw hell no!

Women just like assholes. No, not really. We like men who don’t barter with their self-respect. Who don’t trade scraps of their dignity or values to get something from someone else. We like men who won’t give in to a ridiculous argument or opponent just to keep the peace or avoid conflict or “earn sex.” Sometimes these guys look like assholes. Sometimes, if their values are completely self-centered, they ARE assholes. But it isn’t the assholery that is most attractive, it’s their steadiness. It’s their consistency. It’s their unwavering commitment to put their self-respect, personal values (good or bad) above accommodating someone else’s questionable desires or pleasing just to please. If he’s going to get something he wants, he’s going to get it. But if he has to compromise his values, integrity, self-respect to get it. He’ll pass. He knows someone else will be offering the same or better and will not make him defame his character just to get it. Nothing is worth that.

This is the basis of many shit tests.

Men love beauty. They are hard wired to be drawn to beauty. And the women they deem beautiful all look pretty much alike. High cheekbones, luxurious hair, wide eyes, full lips, hourglass figure, thin and healthy. We could all look at pictures of generic women and determine who men will find beautiful and who they will not.  It’s a much harder task with pictures of men because a lot more goes into our attraction than looks.

Am I saying men are only interested in a woman’s beauty? Well, I could say that and then get more comments than I usually get, but I don’t believe that. I think most men want a beautiful women but if that’s all she has to offer, would not keep her. Life is long, who want’s to go on vacation with a bore? Who wants to live with someone who is argumentative or mean? Some people are completely superficial and they can marry each other for looks and money, but the rest of us really do want some substance to go with our icing.  For men, the icing is beauty. For women, the icing is self-respect.

Too often we describe the most attractive trait in men as confidence.  And then we see a lot of posturing and arrogance imitating confidence and we start adding qualifiers.  That’s because it is not confidence that is most attractive, confidence is a by-product of self-respect. When you have self-respect you do not barter with your dignity or values to get what you want. You do not make excuses for mistakes, you fix them. You don’t let yourself be defined and labeled by others. You do not shy away from challenge or struggle because you know every challenge strengthens you. You do not treat others poorly because how you treat others is a reflection of yourself. And you have self-respect. You do not stoop.

It’s just that when you live with self-respect and align your actions and words with your values, you develop confidence, you earn the respect of others, you likely achieve great success because others will be drawn to you. Others may sacrifice their own dignity and self-respect to be in your circle, but you don’t ask or expect that of them. They are in charge of themselves. In fact, you may be the benevolent mentor who tells them to shape up and stand up. Others admire you and want to be you. Because you have self-respect.

I guarantee these last two paragraphs have raised the heartbeats of the women reading. These traits are so intensely attractive that many will have a visceral reaction. Sweaty palms, beating heart, warm tingles. In short: ladyboners. Just like when a man sees a gorgeous woman. This is our loveporn.

So, if you’re kind of ugly, don’t sweat it. If you’ve got rough skin and a goofy nose, a soft belly, and scars and an asymmetrical eyes, no woman of character will mind. But if you lack self-respect, if you waver on your principles, if you make excuses or shy away from responsibility, there’s no amount of pretty that can save you.  It’s repulsive.

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “It Doesn’t Matter If You’re A Little Ugly

  1. The only part I really disagree with is this: “I’m small, I’m weak, I’m fearful. I may need protection.” I find ‘ugly’ men to have a certain beauty of their own, in the small details. A guy can have serious facial scarring but I’ll still be swayed by his deep blue eyes and long lashes for instance, but that might only become noticeable once other personality traits have grown a certain level of endearment within me towards him.

    1. Yes, I agree. Their appearance becomes attractive to us. Even to the point where we begin to appreciate and desire their eyes or crooked grin when we see similar in other men, but it does come after we feel that masculine energy from them.

      And yes, I know many women aren’t weak or fearful. I’m not in my daily life as I have little to fear, but when my bravery has been tested, I’m a scaredy cat!

  2. Physically, I’ve always paid more attention to a guy’s face than his body. He can be a little overweight or out of shape and I can still be attracted to him if he has certain facial features I like, such as good hair, nice smile or eyes. I was instantly attracted to my guy’s puppy dog eyes. They are ocean blue, mysterious, and he does this natural smize thing that he has no idea that he’s even doing. Or another example, my celebrity crush is the lead guitarist for Halestorm, Joe Hottinger. If you google him, he has these big pouty lips, big toothy smile, and sparkling eyes. I can’t get enough of faces like this.

    But what is more important than that is, like you said, his energy. I’ve dated guys who were conventionally seen as down right gorgeous. I mean actor/model looking guys, and I was happy to parade them off to friends and family, but while they were nice to look at, there was just no chemistry and I think it was because they had flat personalities. They had no fire, no passion, no exciting energy. I like guys that are excited about life, that want to go out and do shit, and have passion for things. That’s what sparks my attraction.

  3. Another awesome article Kitten. I loved this as I do many of your articles. You are extremely talented, and mostly due to the fact that you tell the truth, and you tell it with passion. I’m happy to have come to know you, and can have the privilege of reading your articles.

  4. Great post

    This made me want to try and explain how most of us men function…

    Yes men love beauty, but let’s not to confuse with how young men can only see beauty or sex. Not bc they’re shallow but bc there’s nothing else he’s capable of looking or understanding in a woman at his age. If he’s healthy, his mind and body will see sex first and companion a very distant second. Obviously how he was brought up will have a lot to say in how he behaves towards these feelings.

    Although this feature will be part of him throughout his adult years, older men will come to vary in needs and wants in a woman and beauty will have to be coupled with other features and might not be that important at all. Depending on who he is in life, how much or how little life takes out of him, will largely dictate what he looks for in a woman. Problem is, men are not very good at this, they’re often wrong about what they really want (or need) in a woman but often right about what they want in their careers, that’s why they excel in competitive working environments and often fail in marriages. Men feel more natural being competitive than being at home.

    But if he’s lucky, this is where a smart woman can take enormous influence over him, because if she gives him another reason to be successful and that reason is her and their kids and his legacy, it will work. He will feel he has hit the jackpot with a woman who is a perfect mix of a supporting and nurturing ‘mother’ figure and a devout lover who loves him, he will die on the battlefield to provide for her if he needs to. Men’s first instinct is not to confront women but to either fuck them or provide for them. Whilst men’s first instinct towards other men is to confront them and finish them. Naturally, polite society makes this a deep and hidden feature in a man’s brain, but its still there and is still influencing his behaviour.

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