You’re a grown woman and you can do what you want. I know. I get it! You will never hear me telling you there’s anything wrong with being sexual, and having sex when you want and who you want. These are absolutely personal decisions that you have every right to make on your own and I am not here to judge. I am, however going to give you a few reasons why making him wait, is even better than giving it up.
1. You Can’t Screw Your Way Into A Relationship
It has happened, I’m sure, to someone somewhere, but I will still dare to say that you can’t screw your way into a relationship. If you are wanting to have a relationship with someone and you have sex too soon or you have sex as a way to persuade him or guilt him into committing to you, you will be sorely disappointed. Not only are most men unlikely to commit to a new relationship because they feel pressured to, but even if they did, their enthusiasm for said relationship would be gone. Do you even want a guy like that anyway? You’re setting yourself and him up for failure. It would be a passionless, onerous relationship with no fire. That initial spark will fizzle out fast. And there wouldn’t be any fire to keep it going. Why? Because if you have sex right out of the gate, chances are you are either in the bangzone or your relationship is too heavily focused on sex. If you have sex before he can appreciate all those things about you that make you special, he’s not going to be motivated to do much more than screw. When it’s too heavily focused on sex, you aren’t getting to know each other. When you don’t know each other and the sex dies down, it’s impossible to come up with reasons to stay together. And you just wasted your time!
2. You Don’t Want to Kill the Thrill of the Chase
Guys love a challenge. They don’t like when things are unreasonably difficult or tedious but they do love when they have to push themselves a little farther, work a little harder to get what they want. It makes them feel like they are accomplishing something and growing.
He’s certainly not going to put in extra effort to show you how much he appreciates you because in his mind, he’s already gotten to the goal. Why run around the bases if you’ve already crossed home? Why take all the classes when you’ve already got the diploma?
As much as men may groan about going the extra mile, getting flowers, writing love notes, calling just because, they actually REALLY want to do those things. They love to find ways to make their woman smile, they love the feeling that they’ve made her day, that she’s happy, that she’s his. They just hate feeling obligated to do that just because they are expected to. They want to be excited and attracted to her to the extent that putting in effort comes easily. The kind of interest where trying to play it cool is difficult.
But they’ll groan all day long about how lame it is to do these things because they don’t want to do it for every woman who throws themselves at him. Then it’s just obligation. Obligation is fertile ground for resentment.
3. Show High Value for Yourself
He thinks he’s pretty damn awesome, you know? He works hard, he goes to the gym, he calls his mom once a week, he pays his bills, he has great friends, he’s got a future. He puts effort, energy and thought into what he does and where he spends his time. He’s not afraid of hard work. He’s got discipline. He knows that what he wants in life won’t come easy. In fact he prides himself on his grit and determination.
And you say you’re so awesome, with your “I’m doing me” posts, and high value mantras on instagram. But if you wouldn’t trust a man to take care of your dog or your car for the weekend, why are you giving him your body?
You both claim to be great, and I bet you really are, but then you let down your guard and you come flying at him, legs open, landing right on his dick on some random night out and he’s supposed to think he just won the jackpot?
Okay, maybe it didn’t happen exactly that way, but was it really ALL that different? If he didn’t have to put in any effort? I mean, does he even have any idea what sorts of things keep you up at night? Does he know about everything you achieved before showing up sexy as hell and easy like Sunday morning?
Well, if he is the kind of man who prides himself on his work ethic and discipline and he didn’t have to win you over, earn your attention, it’s kind of like an insult to his ego. You may be great, but how’s he going to know if you don’t give him an opportunity to find out?
4. More Time for Seduction, Anticipation and Exploration
Sex is actually the least interesting part of sex. Sex, attraction, desire, seduction are about everything leading up to the sex. A touch on the lower back, slow kissing, a hug that neither of you want to end. Exploring each other’s bodies, talking about what turns you on, massage, flirting, eye contact. The list goes on. I like sex. Sex is great, but I like to wait because I also like hand jobs and phone sex and kissing and groping. I like to have sex when the thought of it with that person has consumed me so much I can hardly think of anything else. This is fun!
In addition, you can learn a lot about what someone is like in bed by going slowly. Why rush to the bedroom to find out he’s not going to pay attention to your needs? Why give so much of yourself when you’re going to find out he’s really not as exciting as he seems when you’ve created a fantasy in your mind? Give him a chance to thrill you or let you down. Then if he’s a huge bummer at least you’ve given up nothing that a little of your time and energy. It’s a lot easier to move on when you aren’t emotionally invested or trying to rationalize why you gave so much to someone who didn’t care.
And I tell you what ladies, get over your damn guilt over getting him all riled up and not getting him off. Are you kidding me? I have heard so many of you say that you would feel “bad” if you didn’t finish the job. What, you think he can’t figure that out on his own? You think he’s going to suffer with blue balls? You really think that’s your problem? He’s going to be just fine. If you worked him up to the point where he might have some discomfort, he can sooth himself when he gets home. Chances are though the excitement and anticipation is just as exciting and fun for him. Men aren’t just sexbots driven to stick it where they can. They’re humans who love to be excited, to have fun, to feel attracted and close to someone. They like getting their heart rates up, being caught smiling over nothing, a skip in his step because he can’t wait to see you again. Don’t rob him, or you, of that thrill.
5. You Can’t Handle It
I know right now it’s some sort of achievement to give no f*cks and be emotionally detached. You practice your indifference the way you used to practice your signature if you ever got famous. But it’s fake and as much as you lie to yourself that sex means nothing and that it’s fun and you do what you want and no double standards and liberation and feminism and blah blah blah.
It’s me, or someone like me, that you are calling the next day asking to analyse everything that happened and what it means. It’s you, the next day who feels like maybe you gave too much, maybe it wasn’t really worth it. Was the sex even good? I mean, come on! According to this study, women are half as likely to orgasm during casual sex than in a long term relationship. I’m not saying the sex was bad, but if you’d spent more time tempting and teasing and building up to the big event, chances are you’d have known enough about each other and been comfortable enough talking about your bodies that you’d both cross the finish line.
And I guarantee if you’d spent more time getting to know what kind of person he is and revealing yourself to him, building bonds of trust and intimacy, you wouldn’t be riddled with anxiety after the fact. It’s not the “patriarchy” or “misogyny” or “double standards” that make you feel bad after having sex too quickly. It’s nature. And it’s your inner voice reminding you that you are a prize and you sold yourself short. Should you beat yourself up about it? No. But should you keep having casual sex thinking it will turn into more and then feeling heartbroken when it doesn’t?
Whatever you do, remember, women are more likely to contract an STD from a man than the other way around. The way our vaginal walls are made of soft tissue and the ease that skin can break increases our odds. Plus, with the increase in bi-sexual or bi-curious men as well as the increase in anal sex which carries more risks, you really can’t feel “safe” with anyone until you’ve both been tested. Condoms are your safest bet. Use them. Carry them with you. It’s one thing to wake up regretting some unsatisfying sex, it’s another thing to wake up and worry that you’ve compromised your health on top of it. So be smart. Protect your body and protect your heart.
He knows you’re worth it, why don’t you?
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