Go from ghetto to glitter for less than $50!!
1. Use a fake tree.
It only costs money once. Let’s pretend you at least have a tree. Also, fake trees come with their own tree stand. That’s stability right there. Now you have something hard, sturdy and stable in your house. For once. Enjoy it. It only lasts a couple months, just like most of your relationships. But at least it’s nice to look at. You’re welcome.
2. Be the Light!
Hopefully your tree comes with lights but likely all those lights burned out. Just like your hope in humanity. So get one box of lights. If you put your tree in a corner and don’t put lights in back, you only need one box of lights. Let that tree be in the corner. Not you. No one puts Baby in the corner. $12.99
3. Forget Ornaments
Ornaments are expensive. You don’t have money for ornaments. But you can afford ribbon. Get wide, shiny ribbon that shimmers. Cut that shit up into foot long pieces and tie bows on all your branches. You don’t need ornaments! Ornaments are fragile and will break into a million pieces just like your heart. Use ribbon. That shit can be cut and frayed and ripped and torn apart and used again and again and it still looks pretty year after year. Just like you. You are badass. You are just like the shimmery indestructible ribbons, girl. Bust out the ribbon from the dollar store. $3.99 each.
4. Get a Big Skirt
Put a skirt under that tree. Get a big skirt. Less room for you to vacuum or sweep. The bigger the skirt, the more camouflage against the meager presents under your tree. Get the biggest one. $7.99 at the dollar store.
5. You Are the Star!
Forget the star! It’s $19.99. You can’t afford that! You know what? You are the star. You are a survivor in the night sky keeping things together like glue. Besides, no one in your house is tall enough to see up that high anyway. And you might break your neck trying to get that damn star on top of your tree and who will help you get up? No one. You are too young for life alert. Just forget the damn star! Take your last $20 and get you a present, girl. No one else is going to put a present under the tree for you. Get used to it. Take your money and go to the liquor store and get you some Crown. You deserve it. And besides that, you need it. Put that Crown under the tree in the purple purse. Don’t wrap it! You’re going to have to dip into that shit a lot over the next few weeks. So keep it accessible. You drink enough and you won’t need a star on top of that tree anyway. Everything will sparkle. Just like you, peaches. Don’t let anyone take your sparkle.