There’s so much bitterness and resentment currently between the sexes. Why? Because they simply don’t understand each other. They want the other to be just like them. The myth of marrying your best friend and equality and treat him/her how you want to be treated has completely confused the f*ck out of everyone.
I’m not saying he can’t be your friend. But he’s not going to be like your girlfriend. If you want a partner to shop with you and talk to you endlessly about what could or might happen “if” scenarios, then you want a partner who is a woman. He doesn’t want that. Similarly guys, if you want a partner who is stoic and to the point and predictable, then you probably want a dude. Just saying. Get real.
Women accuse men of being sex-obsessed, thinking with their dicks, objectifying women with a glance. Men accuse women of being attention whores, selfie-addicted, narcissists. There’s a battle between desire and resentment constantly playing out between the sexes that we have never seen before. This is caused by two things: A total lack of acceptance about what drives the other and the internet.
So, here’s the deal. Ladies, as long as you expect men to view sex the same way you do, you will be disappointed and resentful. He never will. He is not wired the same as you are. And your resentment, disgust, divisiveness of his sexual desires and expressions is a cruel attack on his soul. Your shaming tactics to turn his glances of appreciation into objectifying stares, to treat all men as rapists who need to learn not to rape and to insist that any relationship is built on your sexual terms only is cruel, abusive and destructive.
Men love sex. Men are biologically wired to seek sex. They find it pleasurable sexually, mentally and emotionally. It offers them a release to their desire, their frustrations, their emotions while also connecting them deeply with someone they admire and care for. Treating their desire, the frequency of their desire, the way it is expressed as dirty is making them an enemy to your needs and is causing them to turn to places where they can get their sexual needs met without judgement. Often that place is the internet.
While we often hear negative messages about men and their sex drives, it is at least by most, accepted as a normal, unavoidable part of their nature. A man can choose to seek out as many possible outlets for his sexuality or choose to be monogamous but it is seen as a reflection of the man’s values and lifestyle how he chooses to handle this unavoidable part of his nature.
For women however, there is part of their nature that is equally unavoidable and biologically wired. But instead of appreciating this as a natural aspect of the feminine nature that can be handled in a variety of ways, like a man’s sex drive, society and men especially, tend to shame women for this.
What do women seek from the outside that makes them feel good? Attention. Women like attention and women are wired to seek it. Attention can be sought out in many ways: fame seeking, selfie-posting, provocative clothing, creating drama, coy flirting, make-up. There are many ways that women get attention and as with men who have the option to seek easy outlets for their sexual needs (porn, loose women, multiple partners, one-night stands) or to invest himself in a partner who will meet his sexual needs (and everything on the scale between). She can seek the attention of many or the attention of her chosen one. But regardless of how she gets her needs met; they are the same. A woman seeks attention, a certain level of validation. She wants to be appreciated and to have that appreciation confirmed verbally.
Because men do not seek attention in these same ways and in fact to get attention in this way might make many of them feel uncomfortable they don’t understand it and so they love to criticize it. They call women “attention-whores.” They put them down for the number of selfies. The perceive them to be weak and insecure and even stupid for posting pictures of themselves looking their best and for feeling that the “likes” or “comments” of affirmation would mean something. This shaming of women for seeking attention and male approval of their beauty, style and attitude is no better than women shaming men for “looking at a woman’s body”, for their sexual desire, for his attempts to learn how to seduce and attract a woman or even for his pleasure in getting easy, no strings attached “meaningless” sex.
Women were made to be beautiful and men were made to desire them. Men were made with such a strong desire for women, in fact, that they will do anything to get the attention and affection of them! Look at young men who are infatuated with a woman. These are the men showing off their dangerous bike tricks. These are the men buying shiny expensive new cars. These are the men who will literally do anything for love! As they get older, suffer heartbreak, they scale back their efforts, not because they don’t still have the desire to do back flips for a woman he loves but because he’s become cautious and fearful of the emotional pain.
These antics and dramatic gestures are the very heart and soul of the Big Proposal! The blimp soaring across the sky with “Marry Me,”the crowd of strangers learning a dance routine to propose to the unsuspecting bride to be. The creativity, ingenuity, planning and execution of many proposals is simply mind blowing!
Why? Because on some level, men know that women love it when a man makes a big deal over her. It is not so much the attention of the crowd, even in these group proposals. It is the intensity of the attention he is showering on her that overwhelms her.
Why is this? Well, I’m no scientist but I believe that when a man gives a woman his full attention, she feels more security in keeping him. She does not want to worry that if she commits herself to him for mating that she will lose his attention to someone else. This need for attention is a survival instinct that is biologically embedded in us; part of our wiring; the way God made us. Just like a man’s sex drive is a survival instinct.
So, don’t shame each other for nature. Understand it about yourself and the opposite sex. Realize that how you choose to get your needs met is up to you. If a woman wants to seek the attention of every man; that is her choice. If a man wants to have sex with every woman; that is his choice. All our choices have consequences but they are choices and up to the individual.
Realize also that when someone is having their needs met, they don’t keep looking for more. (Yes, some people may have a personality disorder or some trauma they are working through where they are a bottomless pit of need. I am talking about generally emotionally and mentally healthy people.) But if someone is NOT getting his or her needs met, he or she will find a way. These are needs, not wants. And we get them met. It’s survival.
So men, that means, if you are fulfilling you woman’s need for attention and affirmation, she will not waste her energy looking for it elsewhere. Ladies, that means if you are fulfilling your man’s need for sex, variety in sex and excitement, he will not waste his energy looking for it elsewhere.
The easiest, fastest way for both men and women to get these needs met, with the least amount of personal investment is online. Men have porn, women have social media. If your relationship is suffering and you both are feeling unfulfilled, the fastest fix you can implement is to understand and accept the other person’s needs. Then stop looking at porn or escaping into sports (excitement) men and ladies, shut down the social media and get the attention of your man. Where you put your attention and energy is a reflection of your values. If you value your partner, put your efforts there. And stop shaming each other. You’re just human.
PS. Before everyone starts griping in the comments I’ll clarify that this post is using examples to illustrate part of our nature that is different in men and women and where it might come from. I’m not at all saying that men don’t also like attention and that women don’t also like sex. Of course men like attention too and women love sex. I’m trying to illustrate some of the subtle differences using exaggerated or extreme examples because I don’t have time to write about every little scenario possible. Don’t be ridiculous in my comments because you are hungry or bored or looking for a fight. No one has time for that.