The Lie of Unconditional Love

We are all flawed. We all have our crap and our hangups and our baggage.

I used to believe that to love fully I had to accept someone for just who they are, good or bad. Now I say bullshit. Like this.. BULLSHIT!

Don’t insult me with your unconditional love.  I am not a child and neither are you. I’m not going to accept your crap. I may still love you around it, the way we still get around with a sprained ankle or a head cold. But I won’t accept it and I won’t ignore it. I will call you on your shit and I want you to call me on mine. At best I will inspire you to improve. In conflict, I may challenge you. But I will not permit you to give up, make excuses, quit and opt out because when you do, you are doing that for me too.  We are in this together and so we can lean on each other but not carry each other.

Here’s what happens when you accept someone’s flaws and don’t call them on it. They lose respect for you. Yes, you. Because I can promise he does not like that he makes excuses, tells white lies, is miserable in his job, can’t get along with his mother, drinks too much, gained too much weight or whatever it is.

So when you act like it’s just fine for him to be less that what he wants to be himself you are behaving as if you are okay with less that what HE thinks YOU deserve. Then he wonders, (maybe subconsciously) if you are really not as worthy or badass as he though. If you are willing to settle then you are not who he thought. And unless he has completely given up on himself, he doesn’t want to settle and doesn’t want to think you have.

See what has happened? He loses respect for you because you have given up. You have given up on him. Well, fuck, then why bother anymore?

And here comes resentment. Because if the woman he loves has given up on him then who can he count on? Who will have his back? Who will push him and inspire him? Maybe he should just give up. But he doesn’t want to. It only crossed his mind because you gave up. Well, fuck you, he thinks.

And here comes anger. Now he is angry, depressed and he resents your love.

What a mess!

Unconditional love is destructive and pathetic and I don’t want any part of it.  Love conditionally. Love with an edge. Love like your best and worst days are ahead and all you have is each other to get through it. Love like your life depends on it.

But yeah, you each have to fix your own damn problems. That’s on you.

xoxo,
Kitten

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3 thoughts on “The Lie of Unconditional Love

  1. This is a tricky issue. I agree and disagree with some of the things here. You should love someone without fear, but if the person doesn't return it , or hurts you, or uses and abuses you then it isn't love. Another thing that gets confused is this notion that when you love someone they are supposed to share everything with you and have no friends or relationships outside of the one

  2. Some of the things you are talking about I agree with you but I don't think I was suggesting that in this piece. Of course if someone doesn't return love or hurts you then it isn't love. There's obviously a difference in the flaws you put up with while someone works to change and those you just walk away from. Anyone who says you have to treat a woman like shit is, like you said

  3. I introduced my new boyfriend to one of my best friends, I give you the convo.

    Bestie: hi, quick question, can you tell her to fuck off?
    Weak loser dude: why would I ever do that?
    Bestie: so she’ll respect you. If you can’t tell her to fuck off, you are too weak for Laura.

    And he was 🙂

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